Rape & Sexual Abuse
No Safe Place
There are so many things I want to say,
but starting this is so hard. How do you tell someone you were sexually
molested by your mother? Mothers are supposed to be the one safe place
in life. Mothers are supposed to provide comfort, food, and warmth.
Mothers are supposed to have a healing touch and they are supposed
to make us feel loved and wanted.
My mother didn't.
I know she had a horrible life. She was
sexually molested as a child. In fact, I was victimized by the same
man who hurt her. But for whatever reason, my mom couldn't get away
-- she so thoroughly identified with her abuser that she became one,
too.
I remember my mom forcing me to perform
oral sex on her. I was about five years old. It tasted awful and I
couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to suffocate. I tried to
get away, but she just got angrier and angrier. I became very good
at disassociating. I don't really remember how I got away from her
that day. At least I was able to get away into my own head.
She didn't just sexually abuse me. My
mom would fly into violent rages. She would beat me until I didn't
know which way was up. She would also tell me I was ugly and worthless
and no one would like me.
I particularly remember getting ready
for my first day of kindergarten. I was taking a bath. I was so excited
to be starting school. I wanted to go to school more than anything
else in the world. My mom came into the bathroom. She stood over me
and scowled at me. "You are so ugly!" she said. "Why do you want to
go school? It's going to be awful for you. You are such a horrible
person. No one will like you, you won't have any friends, you're going
to be a complete failure!" she said. When I got to school, I was afraid
to talk to anyone. I didn't have any friends, because I was afraid
to try and make friends. I stayed in the back and avoided all of the
other children. I didn't want anyone to know how horrible I was.
The few times I got invited to birthday
parties my mom said they only wanted me there so they could get an
extra present. She said they didn't really like me. Of course, I never
had a good time at a birthday party.
A few years ago, I fell into a deep depression.
It took three years of very intensive therapy, but I have managed
to break free of the scars my mom left me with. My therapist said
my recovery was amazing. He termed it "a flight to sanity."
Dealing with childhood sexual abuse is
never easy. I have read that it is even worse when the abuser is the
mother. In any case, no person deserves to live with the pain of abuse.
There is hope. It takes work. You have to be willing to accept the
fact that the very people you depended on for love, support, and for
life itself were willing to hurt you. That's not an easy fact to face.
We want to look inside ourselves to see
what's wrong with us. Why were we so bad that they HAD to abuse us?
Why did we deserve this -- because the people who love us wouldn't
do this to us just for the hell of it -- at least that's what we think.
But the truth of the matter is this:
Abusing a child is wrong and there is never an excuse for it. A child
NEVER deserves to be abused. The problem is always with the abuser.
Something is wrong with the abuser. You are the victim. You were just
a little child. You must never, ever take the blame for the awful
things that were done to you.
It takes a long time to come to terms
with this. But the inner peace and sense of self-worth that stem from
the knowledge that you did nothing wrong is well worth the effort.
Believe me when I say this: I am a really great person and so are
you!
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