Rape & Sexual Abuse
Stolen
Childhood
I
was 10 years old. My mother was a single mother who worked long hours
and who herself had also been raped. I knew this guy, actually boy,
he was only 12 years old. We had our first "date." We went to a movie,
dropped off and picked up by his parents. During the movie, he tried
to "French" kiss me, and at 10 years old, I wasn't ready. I pushed
him away and that's where it all started. He would guilt me into anything
he wanted.
Immediately, my sister and his sister became friends so we had to
see each other a lot. Our parents also became friends. Slowly but
surely, he figured out my weakness. I could be guilted. I don't remember
the first time, but I remember a lot. He would force me by telling
me that he would tell everyone we knew that I had sex with him. At
our age, that was not a good thing to be known for and because at
my age, I was so enamored with popularity, I always gave in. I would
start out with a firm "No" and he would just push and push until he
got his way.
This
went on for 2 years. At one point, I told my mother, but I never told
her how I had said "No." I only told her that we'd had sex. Before
I could tell her anymore, she had me grounded for life and kept the
two of us away from each other. My mom made me feel like I had been
the one who had done something wrong, and because of her reaction,
I was doomed for a life of many sexual partners who would "guilt"
me into having sex. After six months of keeping us apart, we eventually
had to see each other again. My mom sat him down and told him that
if he touched me again, she'd kill him. She walked out of the room
and within five minutes, he had me on the floor, with parents just
feet away in another room.
Eventually,
he moved away - the only reason he stopped. He even got me one last
time the night he flew away. To this day, I have had about 40 sexual
partners and I'm only 24 years old. Out of 40 men, two of them never
forced me with guilt or any other kind of sexual weapon.
I am married now. I have one daughter and another daughter on the
way. My sexual relationship with my husband is very hard. Rarely do
I have a drive to want it, and when I do, I cry afterward. I have
yet to be able to set myself free of the monster from my childhood.
He took every ounce of child I had left and smashed it to the ground.
I fear what can happen to little girls, especially my little girls.
I pray that I can help them to be confident enough to stand up and
say "NO." I pray that they never have to know the devil the way I
do. My husband has been my only savior. He believes me when I talk
about it. My sister and my mom both try to erase the thought from
their memories. I sometimes wonder if he did this to my sister during
that period of time we were kept away from each other.
I need to be able to forgive, not only the boy but also myself. I
blame myself for wearing too tight pants and makeup. Then I realize,
in a fleeting thought, how the heck could an innocent ten year old
have known that her pants being too tight might get her into a bad
situation. The truth is, it wasn't the pants, it wasn't me. It was
him and I need to forgive myself.
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