Rape & Sexual Abuse
A Father's Touch
I think most people remember their assaults pretty clearly. I am one of the people who only remember bits and pieces of it. Seems almost like it never happened, but I know it did.
I was 10 years old, and I can't remember where my mom was the first time it happened. I want to say that she was in the hospital having my sister, or having lung surgery. Either way, she wasn't at home. I can remember it was storming, and I was scared. I went and got in my parents' bed, like I did sometimes. Only this time it was different. I didn't know what was happening to me. I do remember that there was no penetration, but there was definitely something going on. Something that wasn't right. But this was my dad, so how could he be doing something wrong to me? I didn't speak, I just laid there wondering what was happening. I was told "Don't tell Mommy, because she won't understand."
I didn't tell my mom, because for some reason, I knew my dad was right. She wouldn't understand. I didn't know why she wouldn't understand, but I knew what happened was wrong. I felt dirty. Strange feeling for such a little girl.
I thought that it would never happen again. I was wrong. The only other time it happened, my mom was home, cooking dinner. My dad asked me if I wanted to go to his room and listen to records. I went. Again, he was doing things that were wrong. I believe he tried penetration, but I was too small. I can remember my mom walking in. "Dinner's rea . . ." I will never forget the look of horror on my mom's face when she walked in. My dad rushed to cover himself, but you could still see his erection from under the sheets. She ran out of the house, and my dad followed. I don't know what was said.
A few days later, my mom and I talked about what happened. She told me that what happened wasn't my fault, and I didn't do anything wrong. I was so scared that I did!
We didn't talk about it again for a long time. Finally, when I was about 16, we had a family conference about it, and we all laid our hearts on the table. That is when the healing began for me. I never understood WHY it happened, and my dad never gave a reason. I knew he felt badly about what he had done. He asked for forgiveness - I gave it to him. I had to, in order to release it.
I don't let what happened to me dictate how I will live my life. I am a strong woman, and won't be bound by old memories. I can't change the past, but I can learn from it, and I can grow because of it.
I did think that everything was behind me until the worst day of my life came. This day was truly the worst day of my life. My parents were in the middle of a divorce, and my sister (then 12 or so) wanted to live with my dad. I was an adult when my parents divorced, so it didn't really 'affect' me. But, because my sister wanted to live with my dad, I couldn't let her do it without telling her what happened to me. I can remember the shame I felt as we sat together at lunch. I choked on my food, and choked on my words. That was the hardest thing I think I have ever done . . . telling my sister what my father was capable of. Telling her to watch out for Daddy. He never did anything to her, but I did let him know that I told her what he had done to me. I will never know if I saved my sister from our father or not. Or if he had truly learned from his mistake.
Additional Resources:
