Rape & Sexual Abuse
He Was My Friend
One day a few years back a male friend came to me and told me someone I knew had become a police officer. Ordinarily that would be passing news. Not this time. This new police officer had raped me years before. Then I had the gush of hate come flowing into my soul. The tension of the night it happened and the fear that he now had authority over me. Meditation and cleansing is all I can attribute my healing to. Here is my story:
My first thought was of the days before the rape had occurred. We were friends. We hung out, talked on the phone, spent many evenings with friends together, etc. I never had a reason to fear this person. He was my friend and yes, I was attracted to him. You can be attracted to someone without having feelings of sex. Or so I thought. So, he gave me a call, wanted to take me out, have a nice dinner, a movie, etc. The worst part, one that I blamed myself for years to come, was that I dressed nice and looked nice (maybe too nice).
The date was going good and he was taking me back to my apartment. His mother was a realtor and he wanted to show me her latest subdivision. It was secluded and had no houses yet, but I had no reason to fear him until he stopped the vehicle. He stopped the vehicle and kissed me. Kissing I could deal with, but it was the things following that which are to be etched in my mind . . . It took a long time and I screamed and cried the entire time. I remember looking up into the night sky at the moon through the sunroof. All I could think of was how much I wanted to die. Why was this "friend" doing this to me?
When it was over, he took me to my apartment and set me out. That's it! He actually called the next day. My roommate begged me to report the rape. But, having just gotten out of a stalker type relationship that had the local police involved I didn't feel I could do that. So I did nothing. I hid out and wouldn't go out by myself. Needless to say, our friendship was gone. What I didn't realize was that along with losing a friend, I had also lost a portion of myself.
It is still something that haunts me years later. The male that raped me is now a police officer in my town and someone I see regularly. We get to the place in our minds where we, as survivors, should have known better, should have said "NO" differently, should have dressed differently, etc. It is a long road for a rape victim. I aven't really told many people of the rape I experienced. It's too hard to discuss with everyday people. But there is another officer who I have told, only because we are close and when the guy became an officer too, it was this friend who told me. The only way I can deal with this is my having forgiven him. I had to or I would never get over it enough to function.
I forgave but never will forget. The day he became a police officer I started having terrible nightmares of him and his newfound authority. It made me terrified to go out for fear of seeing him. Then one day I did go out and I did see him. I panicked and knew I had to do something. So, I meditated and cleansed myself, lit candles and released the negativity. I basically forgave him and myself. I had blamed myself for years.
The reasons for blaming myself were:
Why did I flirt? (if I did)
Why was I wearing a skirt? (why not jeans)
Did I have too much make-up on? (wore the same as always)
Did I make him think he could do that? (we were good friends) etc . . .
It is beyond me why we do this to ourselves. I had to go deep into my being to forgive this person. It was something I had to do. It is my nature to release negativity. It took me a long time to find the courage to let it go. There are nights when I hear a song or smell a scent and it haunts me all over again. I actually had to get a friend to change cologne for me because it was the same as that night. It never leaves you completely. I still see him and think to myself "I hate you." But, he doesn't feel the negativity I just spilled? I do. It is still hard.
Is this something that the male learns? Is it something that they do to make themselves superior in their own mind? Whatever the reason, it is wrong. It is NEVER OK to hear the word "NO" and violate another human being. See, that is just it-we are all human beings. There are many differences in those raped and those who rape but the biggest difference is that those raped will never forget it. Those who rape never know what we go through.
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