When
I was a little girl, I thought my Dad was the greatest person in the
entire world. He was my hero. I am an only child, so I always got a
lot of attention from him. During my teenage years, he was always the
"cool" Dad. All of my friends were jealous of what a "cool"
Dad I had. He let me do a lot of things, and sometimes when I got in
trouble, he'd cover for me. Of course, all those years I knew that he
had a problem - but I tried to make excuses and pretend it didn't exist.
My Dad, my hero, had a drug and alcohol problem. Unfortunately, it caused
many problems in the family. He hardly ever worked. He spent the rent
money on Marijuana. One year, he even took $40 from me, without asking.
Needless to say, I was heartbroken.
Everything
kind of fell apart after I moved out on my own, when I was around 18
or 19 years old. My Mom, just tired of it all, hit rock bottom herself
and had a breakdown. Luckily, she was never in to drugs and alcohol
herself, but the years of dealing with my Dad had to have been tough
on her. She finally asked him for a divorce after 20 years of marriage.
My Dad, thinking that she would take him back, wasn't too worried about
it. However, my Mom was serious this time. When my Dad finally realized
that, his world fell apart, and it opened his eyes big time. He immediately
began getting clean and sober, going to meetings everyday. In the next
couple of months, he totally changed. He was really doing great. Although
my Mom didn't want to take him back, she still talked to him. He finally
decided to move to California (where we were originally from) to live
with his Mom and get a job. I decided to drive down with him, since
I would be staying in Washington. During the drive, we bonded, and it
was great. While in CA, we had a great time, going to Disneyland together,
checking out the sites. When it came time for me to fly home, we both
cried, but knew it was going to be OK. It was the last time I saw him.
Over
the next several months, things changed a lot. My Mother changed careers
and was doing good. My Grandmother and Dad decided to move to New Mexico.
My Dad had his own place, a job, and was still clean and sober. He was
losing weight, and was even dating. I was so happy for him. I was doing
great as well. I had met the man of my dreams, and we wanted to get
married. My future husband surprised me with tickets to Vegas for my
birthday. I had always wanted to get married in Vegas! I was shocked,
and thrilled. I tried to call my Dad before we left the next morning,
but was unable to get in touch. I told my Mom to call him and let him
know I was getting married. She did, and he was very happy about it.
I tried to call a couple times while on our honeymoon, but he was working.
I figured I'd just call when I got home.
When
we finally got home, I went back to work immediately. It was July 22,
1997 - just five days after I got married. I got home late that night,
we were living in an apartment and my Mom was staying with us. It was
around 9:00pm when I walked in. I thought it was so strange, because
my Aunt was there, and was sitting at the table with my Mom, and there
was a bundle of flowers in the middle of the table. I kind of laughed
and asked what was going on. My Mom got up, with a grief stricken look
on her face and took me in the other room. My Dad, at age 42, had died
that afternoon of a massive heart attack. I was devastated, and I felt
like my whole world came crashing down. I never got to talk to him after
I got married. He never got to meet my husband. It wasn't fair.
The
days following, I found out that he had been taking Fen-Phen in the
past couple of months. Fen-Phen is a diet drug, which caused a lot of
controversy because it eventually led to many heart problem, and sometimes
death. Unfortunately, I didn't have access to his records, etc. and
could not join the others who sued and got a settlement from the company.
I'll never really know if it was from THAT, or if it was from the years
of alcohol and drug abuse. Maybe it was from being overweight all his
adult life. That is the hardest thing, not really knowing. I miss him
so much, and when I look at my son, he reminds me so much of my Dad.
My Dad would have been so excited to be a grandfather. I have no doubt
in my mind that he would have immediately moved back to Washington to
be close to him and us. He would have been so proud. My son has his
eyes, and sometimes when he laughs, he looks just like him.
Dad,
I miss you so much and still think of you everyday. I know your life
was short, and I know you had your problems. I forgive you for those
things, and hope that you know I truly love you with all my heart. I
hope that you are able to rest in peace, knowing that my life is good,
and I'm so happy. Someday, we will meet again. Until then, I know I
have a guardian angel to watch out over us.
