With only five days left until Christmas, I don't want it to come. I just want to go to bed and wake up and it all be over! This time last year I was pregnant with you my son. I was giving you life and now it is gone. 2001 has not been a good, happy year, with all that it should have been. This should have been your 1st Christmas. Mommy and Daddy should be buying your presents, your very first gifts from Santa, but instead, we are buying your headstone. "WHY?" I ask everyday! I hope one day I will get the answer, but until then, I just have to wait. You were born at 25 weeks, 4 days gestation. You gained your guardian wings before I could hear you cry, about an hour before you were born. What a big boy, 1lb 11oz and 13 inches long. Perfect size for my guardian angel.

It breaks my heart to see pregnant mothers with all the hopes and the dreams that I had. Do they know how lucky they really are? I see newborns, some sleeping, crying, alert and smiling. That should be you! Today I saw this sweetest little blonde hair little boy, around 6 months old, how old you would have been if you lived. He was so cute, but I just couldn't do it, I just started to cry and had to leave the store. I miss you so much my angel, I know you are in a better place, and I will see you again.

I will never forget you, you will never be replaced. You are with the other angels now, with your Grampa that had to leave us too, only 10 days after you. Please watch over us, stay near to me, as I am really sad and scared to go on. Your Grampa left us, to be there with you, to watch over and look after you, as your Mommy would. I love you both with all of my heart, I am crying as I type this to you, but I guess you already knew. It is has been a long time since I have seen you, held you, smelled you, but that will be with me for the rest of my life. When it comes time for me to join you and Grampa, I will embrace you again!

Ryan, keep safe and warm, as you are in a great place, you and Grampa are safe from harm. We all miss you down here on earth, but we will all meet again. Until then, remember Mommy loves you with all her heart! Enjoy your Christmas Tree that Daddy and I put up for you and Grampa at your new home. Have a Merry Christmas. Ryan, I have a present for you under the tree. You're not here to get it, but it will be here just the same.

With love and hugs and kisses
Mommy
OXOXOXOXOXOXOX