Exploring Womanhood > Journals > Susan's Living With Breast Cancer Journal > Entries

Entry #6 ~ July 11, 2001
~ I am free

I have a friend that was just diagnosed with breast cancer. She had her surgery on July 2nd, and ended up going to the same doctor I did. She is doing really well. In fact, she is doing much better than I did! She is already up and out of the house. In fact, she went to the beach yesterday, only eight days after her surgery. She is amazing. It seems every day that I am either meeting someone or hearing of someone that is just diagnosed. I always joke that this is a very exclusive club that I am in, but its membership is growing every day.

I went with her to a support group meeting the other night. I had never been to one. I don't really know why I had never gone to one before. It was interesting. There were lots of women there, but I was by far the youngest one. (I am still 29--at least for another month!) The next youngest was in her late 30s. I think that is why I have never gone before. My issues have been so different--how to take care of my two young children, how to keep working, etc. Most of these ladies were retired. We had the same diagnosis, but our issues could not have been more different.

There was this one woman there, probably in her 40s, that was totally bald. No hair, no wig, no scarf, no hat - nothing! I really admired her strength. I could have never done that. My hair is just starting to grow back in, and I have just started going without my wig or hat. It has been really hard for me. It sounds so silly, but I have never worn short hair. My hair is shorter than my husband's! But it feels so good to go without a wig or hat. It is almost like I have been in hiding, and now I am free! Some people do look at me funny, but the response has mostly been good. It's my own insecurities that have caused my problems.

I have a follow-up with my chemo oncologist next week. I am always so scared before these appointments. They always do a breast exam, and I hold my breath the entire time. I can't wait until it's over. I have packed that day full with other things to do, hoping to just stay busy and not think about it.

My daughter's birthday is tomorrow. It is so bittersweet. So much of her first year is a blur to me. It makes me so sad. There were so many days that I was so consumed with all I was going through that I was totally unaware of everything else. I look back and wonder what I missed, or what I have forgotten. She has always been so loving and affectionate to me. It's like she knows. I just have to focus on all the great times that lie ahead, instead of the days that are behind us.

Copyright © 2001 Susan Lloyd. All rights reserved.