Exploring Womanhood > Journals > Susan's Living With Breast Cancer Journal > Entries

Entry #2
~ Last Chemo Treatment

I just had my last chemo treatment this past Friday. I had so many different emotions leading up to it. It was very difficult. Everyone wanted me to be very excited about it, but I tried to explain that it is hard to get excited about feeling ill all weekend after the treatment. However, the thought of never having to do it again was appealing.

I got there Friday morning, right on schedule, only to find out that there was a "glitch" in the pharmacy, and that the order for my medicine (or "cocktail" as they call it) wasn't ready. I ended up having to wait three hours until it was ready! Talk about torture! I watched people get there, do their thing, and leave. It was terrible! As I was in the waiting room, a woman I will call Pam came in. Whenever I am dreading getting these treatments, I think of her. She comes EVERY Friday and does this, and always has a smile on her face. It always puts things in perspective when I am complaining about having to come every three weeks. We chatted for a bit, then she was called back to get her medication. Of course, when she was done, I was still waiting. It was very awkward as she left. We have developed this friendship. She is totally understanding of what I am going through. It was actually odd to say goodbye to her. We hugged, and said that we hoped to meet again someday, under different circumstances of course. She smiled and said goodbye, and it was then that I realized this would all end, very soon. Life would go on.

I finally got called back, and sat as the poisons were pushed through my veins. It's hard to think of something that makes you well as poison, but it truly is. I found myself getting very antsy as I watched the liquids drip . . . I think knowing that this would be the last time made me all the more anxious. Finally it was done, and there was another awkward moment as I told the nurses goodbye. I quickly made my way out of there . . . really wanting to run!

I can't explain really why I was not totally excited about being done with this leg of the journey. As hard as it has been, at least I have been fighting. I feel like if I am not actively fighting by taking this medicine, the cancer may return. It is now that I really have to be faithful to God and know that He will take care of me. I have to have faith that I have done all I can do, and besides trying to live right, diet, and exercise, it is ultimately in His hands. I have learned so much over the past four months, and I know I have more to learn. I have learned the preciousness of life, the sweetness of little things, and to savor each day in my life. I don't get as upset over little things as I used to. I take the opportunity to snuggle with my children and read to them more than I used to. I take the time to call someone when I think of them. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not all that spontaneous of a person, but I am working on that too . . . trying to do some fun things that I would always put off until later.

I have an appointment in about two weeks with the radiation oncologist to begin the next and final leg of this journey. That will entail receiving a radiation treatment five days per week for six weeks. They tell me that half of radiation patients have no side effects at all--never miss a beat. The other half deal with chronic fatigue. As a mom of two with a full time job, I think I can deal with fatigue, but I hope to be in the group that has no side effects! We will see. I will keep you posted as things progress.

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