Entry #1
~ The Surgery
I have been wanting to start this entry for some time now. I just wasn't sure where to start it. I left off by telling you that I had to make myself snap out of my depression. I had to stop thinking about death and start thinking about life.
My husband and I spent the next week talking to doctors. He was so strong. He did all the phone calls for me and made all the
appointments. I couldn't even speak to the receptionists on the phone. As soon as they asked what I needed, and I would start to explain, I would burst into tears! A week after my diagnosis, we had two appointments lined up . . . one with a well-known medical college, and one with a smaller, private practice. We went to the smaller private practice the day before Thanksgiving. The doctor was nice, and seemed very knowledgeable. He seemed like he had a plan, which we really liked. He wanted to schedule surgery for the following Monday--just five days away. He was direct with us and told us to get ready for the surgery. We went home that afternoon feeling content that the wheels were spinning, and we had direction.
We quickly called the medical college and cancelled our appointment that we had for Monday. They were very nice and supportive and told us to call back if they could help me any further. Not 30 minutes after hanging up the phone with the college, the telephone rang. It was my obstetrician/gynecologist. She was working late that evening before heading home for the Thanksgiving holiday and was catching up on paperwork. She explained that she was not aware of my situation and had just gotten copies of my reports from my first surgeon. She was so sorry . . . I felt as if she was crying with me. I love this woman; she delivered both of my babies, both memorable C-sections, and had become a friend to me, someone whose opinion weighs very heavily with me. She asked me what plan for treatment I had decided upon. I told her about the appointment at the medical college that I had just cancelled and about the surgery scheduled for Monday with the surgeon from the private practice. She was very quiet on the phone for a few minutes and then
said that she wished she had gotten to talk to me earlier. I asked her why, and she just said that she would have directed me to the medical college for several reasons. She explained that they do so much research and are really leading the way in my state in new techniques. With me being in such a low-risk group and already going against odds, she would have directed me that way instead.
That was all she needed to say! I knew right away that I would not be having surgery on Monday, and that I had to get that appointment back that I had just cancelled. I tried to call that evening, but everyone had left for the holiday.
We had an odd Thanksgiving. It was uncomfortable for everyone. My diagnosis was still very "new" news, and no one knew what to say. My family has a tradition of having a very long prayer before dinner, and I asked my mother to make it short and sweet this year. I just wasn't up for the tears knowing that everyone was thinking about my cancer! I was preoccupied with getting my plans straight. We made an appearance, ate a small meal, and retreated back home to get our plans straight.
I was very blessed to get an appointment with the head doctor of the Oncology Department. His name made me chuckle for the first time in a long time! His name was Harry D. Bear. I liked him right away. He gave me several options: clinical trials, mastectomy vs lumpectomy, different treatment plans, etc. I left with lots of information, lots of reading to do, and even more decisions to make. We decided to go with a lumpectomy, as opposed to removing my entire breast. I was also going to have a relatively new procedure done--a sentinel node biopsy. This would allow Dr. Bear to see if the cancer had spread into my lymph nodes. I was scheduled for surgery for December 8th. I was overwhelmed with trying to keep life as normal as possible for my children, getting ready for the Christmas holiday, and preparing myself mentally for the physical challenges that laid ahead.
I am a Christian, and therefore the Christmas season is very special to me. I was trying so hard to stay focused on the spirit of the season and what it meant to me. I had already established a very strong support system of prayer with my church family, and many others at StorkNet and my place of employment I immediately asked everyone to pray for us. I knew in my heart that was the ONLY thing that would get me through this season and through the surgery. I had the surgery on December 8 and went home from the hospital on December 9. I still had to wait over a week to find out what Dr. Bear had learned from the surgery. What a difficult time that was . . . really sitting on pins and needles. I tried to busy myself with holiday preparations, but I wasn't feeling all that good and had a drainage tube protruding from my side. Sleep was difficult, and mental rest was impossible. On December 21, I had the
appointment I had been waiting for . . . I would find out exactly what was going on in my body. I would find out if the cancer had spread, what stage I was in, and what treatment laid ahead for me.
My appointment was at 3:00 that afternoon. It was a cold day. My husband and I dropped the children off at my mom's house, and headed down into the city. I felt like I was going to court or something to get my life sentence. Someone was going to tell me how the rest of my life was going to turn out! It was very nerve-wracking. The office was full that day with everyone trying to get in before the holidays. It was after 5:00 before we finally got to see Dr. Bear. He came in the room and I couldn't even breathe, waiting for him to tell me what the pathology report showed. He took one breath and said, "The report couldn't look better." He went on to explain that he went into surgery knowing there was more cancer there, and when he got in, it was gone. No medical explanation--just gone. He also explained that the sentinel node was clean, and all of the other 12 nodes he removed from under my arm were clean as well. James and I really didn't know what to say. We were totally and utterly speechless. This was the first good news we had received in well over a month, and quite honestly, we didn't know how to handle it. I knew then and there that God was at work, and I was truly living a miracle. This was confirmed to me as we left the hospital that day, walked out into the dark, cold night and it started to snow for the first time that season. Everyone's prayers had cured me.
You would think I would have cried with happiness, or jumped up and down, but we really were just so taken aback that we just needed time for it all to settle in. The Christmas holidays provided us that time. It was by far the best Christmas I have had in a long time. Full of peace, hope, love, and all the magic my children provided us. I spent the holiday time gearing up for round two. I had an appointment on January 2nd to make my plans for chemotherapy.
Copyright © 2001 Susan Lloyd. All rights reserved.
