Entry
#9
~ Going Home?
That's
the question I went to bed with and it is the question
I woke up with. I wasn't sure because my contact person
from Sunday evening talked about how I may need to stay
a little longer. My contact person had talked about that
possibility on Friday. I was getting antsy from being
cooped up on a closed ward since Wednesday and I was anxious
to show Dr. F the collages I had labored over on Friday
evening. I wondered what he would think and if he would
do his "Hmm"ing thing again. In addition, my Dh had been
off work for almost a week and needed to be thinking about
what we would do when he went back to work and I was home
on my own again.
I
didn't sleep well even with the prescription sleep medicine
they gave me. I woke up feeling very anxious again too.
When I went to ask for something before breakfast, I found
out Dr. F was NOT going to be at the hospital! What did
that mean for me? Was I going to have to stay another
day or get to go home? A different psychiatrist was covering,
Dr. H. I would see him that day, but it was going to be
awhile before they could check on the anxiety meds because
he was downstairs administering ECT (electro-convulsive
therapy) to someone.
I
had a hard time hearing all that. It wasn't anyone's fault,
but I was not coping well. While there are medications
that make things a little more bearable at times, I am
not the most patient person in the world when I have to
wait. I went back to my room mad enough to want to slam
the door because I was still waiting for my medication
and it was not forthcoming. I didn't, but they sent someone
after me anyway. My gut was roiling. There's nothing like
stress to make a person feel badly. My contact person
urged me to write a list a why I was ready versus why
I was not ready to go home while I waited for an okay
on my meds.
Here's
the list I came up with:
Why
I'm ready
feel mostly okay
ready to start the work
I miss my kids.
hate being in limbo for my meds and breastfeeding
if I have some help with times of anxiety, I'll be okay.
feeling very caged
miss the sunlight
Why
I'm not ready
sleep is still off some—need help getting there
still some shadow/suicide thoughts although much diminished
anxiety still a problem—that was a trigger
still pretty adept at wearing my mask
eating still a problem
I
went to the first group of the day and set my goal as
going home, but I really had no idea if it would be Monday
or not. I was so anxious all morning and it just got worse.
I was trying to call to set up my aftercare at the place
where I would go for therapy after discharge. The person
I needed to talk to was not in. I tried to focus on group,
but I was so out of it with worry and anxiety. C, one
of the counselors kept trying to get me to engage, but
I couldn't do it.
My
social worker came to find me later around 11 am and told
me she would help get my aftercare all set up. She asked
if there was any other way she could help and I said,
"I've been trying for three hours to get some Ativan and
it's not happening. I need something to cope with the
anxiety." She went to talk to the staff and they actually
came to find me and give me the pill. I don't like to
be a pain, but sometimes, you have to push others hard
when you are advocating for yourself.
Lunchtime
came and went and I found out from some of the other patients
a little more about Dr. H. Many psychiatrists only focus
on the medications. Some focus on the talk therapy, but
Dr. H seems to do both. They told me I would like him.
Quite a few of us were on the verge of getting discharged.
I think it provokes mixed feelings. Yes, you are anxious
to get out. Being locked up anywhere is an intimidating
kind of experience. However, it's scary to think about
being back in the world with normal responsibilities and
concerns in addition to the ones you carry within about
yourself.
Finally,
about mid-afternoon, I met Dr. H. It was awkward because
here's this human being I haven't met before who has to
go by the notes of a different doctor, whom I hadn't seen
in three days, and make a decision about whether or not
I was ready to go home. He asked me about my dreams and
gave me a possible interpretation of them, something I
was expecting after talking to his other patients, and
asked me if I was ready. I was! While I was sitting there,
he asked me about my aftercare plans which were still
up in the air. He actually called the place where I was
to go and found out when my intake appointment was scheduled.
My social worker protested saying that he should let her
do her job, but he didn't seem to mind. When I left his
office, four prescriptions in hand, J, one of the patients
waiting to see Dr. H, and I high-fived each other! He
was getting released that night too.
A
psych ward is not a place I could call home even if I
wanted to. I wanted to go home and sleep in my
own bed. I immediately went down the hall to call Dh and
to my room to get my stuff packed up for leaving. I was
so excited, smiling, cheerful, happy. It's good to have
a safe place to be and I was not under the illusion that
things would be easier, but at least I had some coping
skills in hand. At the afternoon meeting, I could announce
that I was going home that night and I did. They always
ask the people who are leaving to give some advice to
the people who are still on the unit. Mine was to go to
group, participate, and ask for help. Dh and the kids
came to pick me up right at dinnertime, so I told the
staff to give my food to anyone who wanted it. Food is
a big deal sometimes in a place where you do not have
lots of power.
Being
buzzed out of the locked ward on my own was a little scary,
but I was so excited. Seeing my kids was wonderful! I
didn't think they would let go of me. I had to stop at
Wal-Mart to pick up my medications which was a little
intimidating. I was not at that stage where I wanted to
announce to ANYONE that I had just come out of the psych
ward. The pharmacist, someone I know and have dealt with
before, knew, but he was very discreet about it.
I
was going home with medications in hand and an outlook
that things should continue to get better. How does anyone
really know though? Suicidal thoughts are temporary. It's
the coping skills you learn that allow you to get through
the difficult times when everything else is overwhelming.
The
follow-up appointment with my family doctor was scheduled
for eight days hence, the same day I was to go through
intake with my therapist. I wasn't sure what the next
week would bring or how I would get through the waiting.
Somehow, I just had to!
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