Entry
#7
~ Day three
The
sleeping pill they gave me helped a little. I slept longer
than I had been, but I was up bright and early before
the sun again. I wouldn't have minded so much except that
the sun never came in on my side of the building, so dawn
was a gradual brightening rather than the golden yellow
you get on a sunny day. My stomach was rolling around
in the morning and I was in so much misery. The Prozac
can cause some rather nasty side effects although on the
scale of some of the other antidepressants, they aren't
too bad.
I
picked at breakfast. Again, I wasn't really hungry. Staff
noticed as they notice everything. I spent the morning
going to the group sessions. The 10 am session was especially
good and relevant. We were talking about love, but in
the sense of how we feel about ourselves. About 20 minutes
into it, Dr. F showed up and I had to leave to go and
talk with him. I was a little irked because I was crying,
something had been opened and touched and I felt safe
enough to let it go. When Dr. F asked me about it, I couldn't
articulate what I meant other than that I obviously had
not been loving me enough lately. He did ask me how I
was feeling and I was frank in that I still had suicidal
thoughts and urges. I know that he later wrote down, symptoms
unchanged.
One
thing about therapists and psychiatrists in general. I
liked Dr. F. He seems like a nice guy, but I swear he
must have taken the Therapy 101 course they teach, because
I would say something, and he'd reply, "Hmmmm." I'm not
kidding. His head would be tilted over on a couple of
fingers and he'd do this "Hmmm thing." I wondered what
he thought about some of what I had said. I know that
it's supposed to get you to spill your guts and it probably
works, but sometimes it's annoying as hell too. Everyone
does it differently. Some psychiatrists seem to focus
more on the psychopharmacology of things, others on the
psychotherapy side of things. I met one of each at the
hospital. At one point, Dr. F said to me, "You are on
the PSYCH unit." I don't know if he was trying to break
through my shell or what. I have really good defenses,
so it struck me as odd rather than shocking.
So,
I returned to group, but the moment had been lost for
me. The one thing I forgot to ask Dr. F about was whether
or not I could get SA privileges (staff-accompanied) which
allow one to leave the unit under supervision. I wanted
to be able to go and take a walk outside. I was needing
fresh air in a bad way! I was still on Unit Restriction
and safety checks, so I couldn't go anywhere other than
the floor. When I wanted to go back and ask, I noticed
the counselor who had been leading our group talking to
Dr. F and they both turned to look at me as I went past
the nurses desk. I was NOT imagining that one. :-)
At
one of the groups later that morning, we had to come up
with goals we could reach. I'm good at helping other people
make theirs, but not so great with my own. The goal I
ended up making was to write ten things about myself that
are good before suppertime. I went to work on that and
came up with seven:
- I'm
smart and funny.
- I
have a great smile.
- I'm
a good friend.
- I'm
honest.
- I
have pretty hair.
- I
sing well.
- I
wear my masks well.
We
talked that day in one group about how some of us choose
the hard path in life. The Warrior's Way. I know that
has characterized my life in so many ways. My best friend
has commented often about how hard we (hubby and I) have
had it sometimes. I never looked at it as being difficult,
but something to deal with and move forward from. I think
I stuffed an awful lot of things away that I never wanted
to deal with.
Lunchtime
resulted in a special treat. I ended up with a big slice
of pepperoni pizza on my lunch plate. None of us even
knew you could order one of those. I ate about half of
it and had different people wanting to trade me for it.
:-) At one point, we were talking about funny things and
I just lost it. I laughed so hard I cried, but it felt
so da*n good. Someone joked about having to put me in
restraints, which was just a joke, but it made me laugh
harder.
I
was too nervous to go to group in the afternoon because
Dh was coming to see me and we were going to be talking
about what would happen after I left the hospital. Dr.
F gave Dh permission to bring the baby which was good.
I had been pumping my milk for him, but it would be good
to nurse the baby in person. Plus, something I have not
mentioned is that Dh was having a hard time getting him
to take a bottle. The baby had taken about five ounces
in two days. I was so worried about dehydration the night
before, that I insisted Dh call the doctor's office on
Friday morning and let them know what was going on with
the lack of formula intake. Since the baby and I have
the same primary care physician, I knew Dh would get a
pretty quick response. When Dh came in that night, he
told me that the baby had finally taken a bottle, but
the baby nursed well and acted very happy to see me. I
was happy to see them.
When
the second shift came on that afternoon, I asked my contact
person to see if Dr. F would give me SA privileges. I
had to ask many times, but I finally got them! That meant
I could take a walk the next day if the weather was okay.
Due
to the nature of the place, you don't get much physical
contact. That's tough for a touchy-feely person as I have
been for the most part of my life. I valued the baby's
closeness at that point. However, hubby and I talked about
some of the things that would have to change and I got
to hear about what the doctor had diagnosed. I kind of
laughed because I never could have imagined such a thing
before only a couple of weeks ago. The social worker admonished
me saying "You are always laughing and smiling. This is
serious and not something to laugh about. I remarked about
the mask comment I had written in my journal that afternoon
and she said, "Take it off right now!"
Whoa!!!!
The
meeting went well and after Dh left for the evening, I
set off to work on two collages. It was an activity some
people had done earlier in the week, but no one was working
on arts and crafts that Friday night. I was alone in the
zone, as J, one of the patients remarked. I worked about
two hours looking for pictures and laying them out. The
point for me was to lay out the mask that I let people
see most of the time on one, it was on red construction
paper, for cheerfulness and positive attitude. The face
I hide was on brown construction paper for the practical,
but mostly grounded side of me. Some of the pictures were
striking. One was scary. It was a picture of a woman with
a gun stuck to her head. I wouldn't have done myself in
that way, but it is often how I have felt. I wanted to
leave that picture out because I was afraid about how
other people might react looking at that image, but again,
honesty won out. After that, I went and soaked my feet,
a self-care strategy I had been given, and headed to bed.
I felt fulfilled in some way like I had made a little
progress that day.
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