Entry
#5
~ Day One
As
I said in the last journal entry, they had remodeled the
emergency department since the last time I was there.
Sitting in a room with no handle on the door is mind-boggling
and I contemplated heading out the door which was not
latched shut most of the time. The people working there
had no real way to get themselves out of the room if they
needed to get out, so they weren't latching it shut either.
The exit was by the room. I didn't know if I could make
it out without someone stopping me. As out of it as I
was feeling, I was also pretty scared. The fears that
had driven me to the hospital were enough to make me want
to stay.
After
sitting awhile, and I don't know how long it was because
I had left my watch at home, someone from the psych unit
came over to interview me. Again, as honest as I am, I
knew I could not get the help I needed unless I was absolutely
honest. How could I be anything but???
She
went to call my insurance company and talk to my husband.
I was definitely going to stay for a few days, at least
one to three and maybe up to five days. I had resigned
myself at that point. I knew from a few of the online
depression screening tests I had tried out that I had
a problem, but I wasn't sure how bad it was because at
times I had felt okay.
I
was so numb, that when my family came back to talk and
say goodbye, and my husband cried, I just didn't feel
anything. I comforted him, but he was very frustrated
and scared. I was relieved to be going to a place that
would let me feel safe and where I knew I would not be
capable of doing something to hurt myself easily.
After
awhile, the contact person came back and told me that
the insurance company could not say whether they would
cover my hospitalization at 40% or 50%. 50% is the preferred
rate. My husband said it didn't matter and I said goodbye
to everyone a bit after that. I had been down the hall
to the Behavioral Health Unit on the way to the hospital
cafeteria, but never gotten too far because I never had
to before. This time, I got to keep going. I know I've
used this expression before, but it really was like walking
in the Twilight Zone. I just needed the music to complete
the mood.
When
I walked through the locked doors, it became reality.
I was on the psych unit. At least I had thought to bring
a bag with me. My husband had to remind me twice, but
I did pack a small bag before we left the house. Some
people arrive without a change of clothes or anything.
You can do your laundry there which helps. They will provide
you with soap and johnnies and toothbrushes and so forth
if you need them. I've used the hospital version and I
much prefer my own!
No
one wears a "medical" uniform. It's probably less threatening
to those who are paranoid. That was the first thing I
noticed when I entered the unit. It seemed fairly busy.
After everything that got me there, I was surprised when
they sat me down in an office with sharp objects. Every
few minutes, someone stuck their head around the door
and said hello. That was part of the 15-minute checks
I was on for safety. I waited, patiently someone said,
for the rest of the processing. At least where I was,
the people were pretty gentle, caring, and nonjudgmental.
That helped me cope with a strange new environment. One
of the counselors got me something to eat because I was
so hungry at that point. I finally got my room and tried
to adjust my shell-shocked self into being aware of where
I was and start trying to sort out what it would all mean
in the long run.
Around
4 PM or so, there was a group meeting to go to (called
Treatment Focus). That's one where people go over the
goals they had set for the day and whether they had been
reached or not. I dragged myself out of my room determined
that I could not get better unless I participated and
did what I would have to do. I was so cold and scared
and numb that night. I wrapped myself up in a blanket
and tried to get warm. I think it was a reaction to the
whole experience. I also started getting a migraine headache.
Looking back on that night, all I wanted to do was "go
quietly into the night" and stay there!
Sleep
did not come easily and I had to ask for something to
help me sleep. Being a breastfeeding mom with a need for
medication is pain sometimes! I got benedryl which helped
a little although I was awake early the next day. What
was next?
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