Entry
#4
~ The next step
I
left my doctor's office feeling better. Well, more relieved
than anything because I had let him know just how bad
I felt. I got home that night, ate dinner; you know how
that went. Even my mother called which was a surprise,
but not completely. We've been best friends since I became
an adult. We used to fight like cats and dogs each month
because our cycles were synchronized when we lived in
the same house. :) I hadn't told her how I'd been feeling
lately, but I admitted it to her that night. She was very
scared for me, but she's always been supportive, if not
a little psychic, when it comes to me.
The
next morning, I got up to do my delivery job. It's a job
that lets me get out of the house, usually with the kids,
once to several times a week. Since DH was home, anticipating
working late that night, I went out by myself. It's a
rare treat to get out by myself, so I take it when I can.
I got out to my first delivery, but started having thoughts
of driving into the lake that's on the way. I was going
to take my car, drive over the railroad tracks by the
lake, and go into the water. I didn't know if I could
do it, how long it would take and I wondered if it would
be fast enough so no one could help me. Pretty scary stuff!
However,
I made it to my first stop, took care of business and
got going up the road to my second delivery of the morning.
I was still a wreck. I had ruled out the lake, but I was
thinking pretty seriously about the bottles in my medicine
cabinet. After I got done with my second delivery, I pulled
the little bit I had left in reserve... the part of me
that has managed to keep me together... and resolved that
as soon as I got home, I would tell DH and ask to be sent
someplace.
Can
you believe it? I went on to do my third delivery. It
was like a robot had taken over my body and I was just
holding on tight until I could feel safe again. When I
got home, I took the Prozac the doctor had prescribed
and then told DH exactly how I felt, what I had considered
doing, and that started a whole ball rolling. He called
my doctor's office and they suggested I skip a step by
bypassing the local ER and going on down to the other
hospital which has a mental health unit there. Probably
saved us a fortune since I would have had to ride down
in the ambulance anyway.
It's
like an episode from the Twilight Zone. All you need is
the music and the mood is complete. I got to the ER and
had to tell the triage nurse exactly what was wrong with
me. I haven't been to this ER for awhile and they had
just remodeled everything there. They took my vitals and
had me sit with my DH for awhile. Then, a nurse came and
got me and put me in a room with two chairs, a video eye
in the corner, and a door with no handle on it. She took
my purse away and gave it back to my husband. I was feeling
so out of myself probably because of the Prozac, but the
whole scene was strange and surrealistic.
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