Entry
#34
~ Oh Boy, Oh Baby?
I
didn't say too much in my last entry because I figured
my period was due any minute and I have nothing to worry
about. However, when my sense of smell has gotten very
strong, as it has been lately, it has been because I'm
pregnant. I wanted to discuss this with my primary care
physician last week, but his secretary called to cancel
and reschedule for three weeks from now. I am super-stressed
out. What about the Prozac I'm taking? Medications in
the first trimester can be a problem, but I don't see
how I can stop taking my antidepressant either. PANIC—Oh
God, I think I'm pregnant. What will we do?
I
called Mom who couldn't help herself. She laughed. Now,
in her defense, she had three children in almost three
years. When she called her mother, that was always the
reaction she got. I guess I'm moving into the acceptance
phase—what will be, will be. I don't believe in abortion
and even if I did, Dh and I are old enough to know better
and not have unprotected sex. BUT, what will he say and
how will I tell him if I am? Maybe I'll even be disappointed
if I'm not.
Feelings
I
took my daughter out today for my job so that we could
walk on the beach after I was done. It was very nice.
It gave me some time to think about a couple of things.
One is that "A" is trying his darndest to get
through to my feelings. I'm having a hard time getting
there. I get at the surface stuff and I'm better at expressing
myself, but I'm blocked at the emotional level. I know
it's there, but I'm afraid and the feeling I have
is dread (when I allow myself to think about it)!
Why?
At what point did I start shutting off that part of me?
I remember being called a crybaby in school by some mean
and mocking classmates—as if crying was an unacceptable
emotion. I freely call them an anal part (since I don't
know who's reading this page) of the anatomy now. Is that
when I started bottling my emotions or before that? Mom
cried—we've always been able to be emotional with
each other. My dad has always had a hard time with that.
I think I've only seen him cry once or twice in my life.
What
do I think could happen if I feel emotionally?
- I
could start crying and never stop.
- It
might feel so bad that I become suicidal again.
- I'll
lose control and I hate that!
- Maybe
my feelings aren't valid enough.
- I
won't get control back.
- It
means I have to let others see my vulnerabilties (and
I don't want to do that necessarily).
- I'm
afraid it makes me look weak.
- It
might feel like the end of the world.
- It
will hurt.
- I
could lose my sense of humor and ability to cope in
that way.
- I
might really have to feel something and that leaves
me wide open in a way that is frightening.
- It
means that I have to acknowledge the hurt and pain I've
bottled up inside instead of facing it head on.
Today
at therapy, I shared my worries about being pregnant.
I truly believe "A" was shocked when I told
him. I don't think he knew what to say. I don't know what
to say. I'm awfully tired, but awful hungry. I hope this
is just PMS. At least the First Response was negative!
I
have finally told Dh that there is a chance I am pregnant.
He is in denial that there is even a possibility. He admitted
that he's afraid a pregnancy would put me over the edge.
I FEEL pregnant, but I won't know until after the
bloodtest tomorrow. When I called the doctor's office
to ask for it, the nurse asked me how I felt about it,
knowing what kind of pressure I've been under. I have
very mixed feelings about it. Being pregnant this last
time would give me a chance to put some closure on the
child-bearing part of my life that I didn't get to do
with the baby. I had recently planned not to go beyond
three although I used to dream about four before reality
bit me in the butt. :-) I could then start to focus on
child-rearing and what that will mean for me as I get
older. All of this is moot until I know whether I am pregnant
or not.
We
Concur on a Hearing Test
It
seems that all I do is spend time in the doctor's office.
I have typically done that with my two older children
and it is happening with my youngest. The baby had a fever
this morning, which I managed to get down with Tylenol
by the time we saw his doctor this afternoon. I expressed
some more concerns about his hearing which I think is
not so great at times. It seems like he has ear infection
after ear infection. Dr. "R" and I agreed that
it would be a good idea to have "C's" hearing
tested, so I'll be calling to make that appointment this
week. I've been concerned for some time, so I'm glad we
are getting this done!
Feeling
and Validation
I
am holding myself separate from my feelings because I
don't like the way I think or the way my body feels when
I let those feelings come through. The emotional pain
is separated from the physical pain so strongly that I
cry when I hurt physically from bad pain, but feel disconnected
from the tears.
HOW
DO I PUT THE TWO BACK TOGETHER AGAIN??? I DON'T WANT TO
BE HUMPTY DUMPTY.
I
guess the time has come for me to take a stand with h
and make sure he knows my feelings are equally as valid
as his, even more so when it comes to the kids' health.
He was acting disparaging again when I said "C"
has to go for a hearing test. He says I'm being negative,
but I say I'm being positive by addressing it now rather
than later. If I hadn't had to compete with a hockey game,
this would have been a perfect opportunity for me to practice
"When I hear, I feel....."
I
have a HARD time with the feel part.
When
I hear "You're overreacting, " I feel as though
I'm being told I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me feel like
the kid who never got taken seriously instead of the concerned
parent I am.
When
I hear, "'C' can hear," I feel ignored because
I know "C" should be saying more than he is,
and I feel as though my informed opinion carries no weight
in our supposedly equal household. I know the baby isn't
talking enough.
A
Good Outcome?
I'm
still waiting on the results of the blood test. My period
is late, but I've got so much to do today that I can't
stop to think about it too much. A little later...it looks
like my period has shown up. I feel crampy and pulls in
the back which is usually a good sign that it's that time
of the month. I have mixed feelings about it, but it is
probably for the best. The thought of another little baby
fills me with the best feelings. I love newborns and the
first year. Others see it as hard and difficult, but I've
always loved it.
Yup,
no question now. I am not pregnant.
One
thing I've glossed over is the anger I felt at DH for
the comment he made during my family meeting at the hospital.
He said, "Now do you see why we shouldn't have anymore
kids?" That made me cry because everyone seems so
anxious for me to get through this part of my life and
on to the next part. I wanted this part. I chose
it over anything/everything else I could have done! I
sacrificed some of my dreams so I could have the
parts I wanted so badly.
I
may be getting older, but inside I feel like a young person
with a whole life ahead. Yet, inexplicably, I feel I don't
have a whole life yet to live and that's scary! I want
to do so many things, but time has gone by so quickly.
It always seems to be accelerating.
So,
why was I willing to give up in suicide? Because not feeling
anything was worse than living? That I'd rather have been
dead than alive? Right now I can honestly say that I do
not have the slightest inclination to want to commit suicide,
but I also know I had one of those compulsions that I
fought tooth and nail only one month ago! God, what a
specter to have to carry with me for the rest of my life.
Will I feel like this always—will the depression
come back, once gone, and what will I do? I know I've
got the techniques I've learned.
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