Entry
#33
~ Rights of passage
Should
Have Beens, Could Have Beens
Today's
session was interesting. "A" is trying so hard
to get me to say "When I hear..., I feel..."
It
ain't happenin' yet!!! Seriously, I'm working on it, but
maybe it is because I've never thought I have the right
to say how I feel or that it even matters. We covered
so many things today—all related. He said to me again
that I did not deserve to be called fat. He even asked
me if there are things I would like to say to my parents
that I may not ever say.
Out
of my mouth burst, "I really hate to be called fat!"
His
response, thoughtfully said, "How interesting that
you said, 'I really hate to be called fat,' not 'I really
hated to be called fat'." That made me think. This
one has wounded me for a long time. I want to be accepted
as I am and I deserve to be accepted as I am. He told
me that I might heal faster if I could say the words.
This
reminds me of the discussion we had when "A"
told me I am not a big woman. It was probably the first
time I had ever heard those words from anyone in my whole
life. And you know what? He's right. I'm not skinny. I
carry more weight than I'd like, but I'm not too out of
proportion to my frame. I'm also not very tall in comparison
to some people, but I'm not short and dumpy either. In
short, cheek in tongue, I am me and I am okay just as
I am.
This
led into a discussion about my kids. I told "A"
how I've encouraged the kids to tell me when they are
mad at me when I've done or said something I shouldn't
have. He told me that my response of, "I'm really
sorry," is a sign of respect. I am modeling good
behavior.
I
don't have any specific homework this week, but I suspect
it is more of the same: "When I hear..., I feel..."
I think he is trying real hard to get me to internalize
and believe it because on some level, I don't (and maybe
I'm not being totally honest with myself in admitting
it).
Rites
of Passage
Parents
face these in many guises. I passed another one yet today.
My daughter decided that since she could not easily reach
what she wanted in the kitchen, she would climb and get
it herself. It wouldn't have been a problem, except that
it was the potato bin and she fell over. You know that
scream? The one where your little one screams in such
a way that you know something bad has happened? Sure enough,
I looked and found a little hole on her head. I wasn't
sure how bad it was, so I called the doctor's office.
We went right into the office where the doctor pronounced
that it could not be glued. He sent us to the ER.
So,
off to the ER. Okay—the third time this year. That
took long enough. By the time the numbing shot took effect,
she fell asleep. Can you believe it—one stitch. All
that for one stitch!!! After all the times I have been
back and forth to the doctor with the kids this year already,
I was thinking, "Shoot me already and get it over.
with," and "I SHOULD have been a doctor because
I wouldn't have to wait twenty years for the payoff!"
(as I roll my eyes)
*****I
have to tell you that not only did I have to pay for the
visit to the emergency department, but also the visit
to the doctor's office. I probably could have gotten that
one as a freebie except that I didn't find out about it
until after the fact.
I've
not been feeling so great lately. It's probably stress,
but everything smells more strongly than usual and I'm
really irritable. That isn't always a good sign for me.
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