Entry
#32
~ Weighty Issues
I
Am Impervious
I'm
feeling sort of okay today, but I think it is because
I have stayed busy all day. I got up, got the kids dressed,
started the dishes, stopped to work on financial stuff
for the hospital bill, made two kinds of macaroni and
cheese, fed the kids, finished washing the dishes, did
my work for my part-time job, made a bunch of phone calls,
washed, folded, and put away the laundry, and sorted through
my purse.
Tonight
is also chat night for me. I have a group of friends that
I met a long time ago when Prodigy first started up as
an online service. We are moms who had babies due the
same month, so we are quite close to each other. It took
me a long time to start doing chat, but now I'm glad I
have that option. I have never met any of these women
in person, but I look forward to that happening one day.
We were all feeling very light-hearted. I like it when
I can laugh and enjoy being with my friends.
My
mood has been up today, but I was so irritable. My oldest
told me it hurts his feelings when I'm grouchy with him.
I was feeling all touched out today and it did not help
that all three were more clingy than usual. It's not their
fault and I apologized to my son. I have to cool the irritation
tomorrow.
I
wonder if there is any kind of happy median point—a
balance between the two ends of feeling really good and
feeling really bad? I can think of times in my life when
nothing got me down. I've radiated happiness and a silliness
that I miss now in myself. There have been times when
sadness has oozed from my pores. I can also think of times
when I've worn that mask so well that the pain is almost
undetectable even to me. I wonder what I'm afraid to feel?
Every once in awhile, I cry or at least tears start to
fall. I feel very disconnected from the things I know
I should be feeling or what I used to feel.
There
is safety in not having that part of me be touchable,
but why would I feel like that? This isn't normal. Sometimes
I feel like a stranger has taken up residence inside of
me. At times, the fear and panic have me crawling the
walls. Other times I feel...nothing. Neither one feels
like the TRUE me. It's as if a part of me knows or remembers
why I am at this point, but I have a glass wall between
the parts. I am impervious.
Happy
Birthday
I
got a special treat today. Dh took me out for my birthday.
A friend of ours came to watch the kids and we went out.
I took special care to dress nicely today...nothing fancy,
but definitely a step up from my usual mode of dress.
Even "A" commented on it at therapy. He kept things very
light today. I was in a such a good mood. My homework
this week is to start setting limits and to add, "When
I hear...I feel..." in talking to Dh. "A" tried his hardest
to get me to do that today, but I am so used to not saying
these things. I think that some of the other pressing
issues I have will be coming soon. I'm still feeling
good. I hate to sleep because I do not want to send these
feelings away. I wish they could last forever!
It
Begins
My
session today was heavy. The issues I knew were coming,
started. "A" began the issues of name calling...fat and
hypochondriac. Those are words my parents have used at
various times in my life. He said to me, in such a gentle
voice, "You didn't deserve those words. It was wrong—what
a horrible thing to say." All I could do was sit there
and look at him. He asked me how I felt and I said, "Weird."
It
does feel weird to hear someone else saying that these
words are hurtful even though I instinctively know they
are. I've not wanted to admit how much they have hurt
my feelings. "A" told me at the end of our session that
I may get angry and it's okay to be angry. Somehow, to
me, it feels wrong to be angry at my parents for such
a thing. I know they were trying their best and we are
all only human. That isn't logical—it's okay to
be mad.
Today
is reverberating around my head—bounce, bounce, bounce!
Numb—like my arms have gone to sleep—disconnected.
I know I have to stare this thing down and get past it,
but I was digging in my heels a little. I love my parents,
but part of me feels terribly betrayed by something that
I know is not true and was not true then either. I have
said to my kids, "I don't want to be your mom anymore,"
which is an incredibly awful, horrible thing to say. It's
damaging and I have to remember that my kids are still
at a very concrete stage. Although I have apologized and
the kids have forgiven me, I cringe inside when I think
about the times I have said this in frustration or anger.
I
remember times, when I was around 12 or so, that my parents
told me if I didn't like something, then I was welcome
to leave. I don't remember that length of time with much
fondness. Part of me wanted to leave so badly, but I also
knew I couldn't make it on my own and didn't really want
to either. Maybe the, "I don't want to be your mom anymore"
is my version of "leave if you want to." At that moment,
I really don't want to be a mom, but in my heart and soul,
I know it isn't true and it isn't what I want. I guess,
until now, I have never thought about these awful parts
of growing up, just that it isn't something I want to
repeat with my kids. DH thinks I overreact at times, but
if something is bothering them, I want to take it seriously—be
it emotional or physical. My chest hurt today when "A"
brought up this topic. It's hurting now just thinking
about it.
Minimizing?
Life
sucks when you don't feel well. I have a sinus infection,
the IBS is acting up terribly, and the stomach cramps
are the worst. My oldest is sick right now and he's on
a nebulizer. My daughter just started on her nebs as well.
The baby might be there in a day or two himself. The physical
pain I feel is making me cry, but I sure don't feel SAD
right now. I checked my blood pressure again at Wal-Mart
because I was starting to get flashes of light which has
happened when my bp rises. It has been fluctuating up
and down quite a bit lately. It could be the albuterol
I'm using for my own wheezing.
What's
scary for me, at times, is how disconnected I feel. Obviously
my body hurts, but the pain does not seem to have an emotional
component. Those two used to feel pretty connected for
me. I get it back every so often. The wall is slowly coming
down, but only in little pieces—maybe that's all
my mind will let me handle. Part of me is refusing to
deal with some of the issues at hand—body image is
one. I guess I think I got over that a long time ago,
but I know I didn't. I've always felt short, dumpy, and
fat even if I'm not, really.
"A"
told me I might get mad at my parents for saying such
things, but I'm not and don't want to be. I wonder if
that's okay? I've never been one to upset the apple barrel
unnecessarily. Parents say and do things that are human,
but it is true that words said with thoughtlessness can
leave a long-lasting impression. I wonder if I'm minimizing?
Weighty
Issues
As
tired as my body feels tonight, I feel energized a bit.
Food is on my mind right now.
- I
have used food in a variety of ways—I like to eat
most of the time.
- When
I'm upset, food is what I've usually gone for when I
was upset in the past. I still do at times.
- When
I'm upset, sometimes I can't or won't eat because it's
the one thing I can control.
-
food=control at times!
- My
weight is like a shield for me.
-
I never wanted to look starvation thin—that was
and is, scary.
- When
I was little, we were expected to eat everything on
our the plate. I can remember eating cold liver for
breakfast because I didn't finish it the night before—YUCK!
- I
was terribly insecure on the inside about my weight
even as I presented a front that I didn't care.
- I
got the heart attack lecture after Dad had his, which
was irritating as hell!
- DH
is GREAT when it comes to my weight.
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