Entry
#31
~ Stages
My
mood picks up when Dh gets home.--chatter, chatter,
chatter--feel pressure from within to talk. My hormones
must be affecting my thyroid because I am actually hot
tonight. I'm hoping to sleep well for a change.
Things
people don't know about me:
- I
would love to have been talented enough to sing opera
or dance ballet.
-
I write poetry.
-
I harbor the fantasy of writing a book some day.
- Sometimes
I feel like the worst mom in the world because I need
to put myself first.
- I
think tall men are sexy and I love dark eyes.
- Eyes
are the first thing I notice.
- I
love good science fiction and stories that make one
go below the surface.
- I
analyze to death! :-)
-
I have a longing to know the infinite, but feel it is
beyond my knowing.
- I
wonder if this is all there is to life--if the end
of the universe is so bleak, what's the point? BUT,
isn't that the mystery and a great one at that???
- I'd
have a million babies if I didn't have to mother all
the children.
- As
much as I hate pregnancy, birth is the penultimate experience--pain
and joy all mixed together The glow of the first hours
after your baby is born is so, so special--it's
a feeling you wish could last forever.
-
I know DH hates the smell of Braunsweiger (liver spread),
but I swear Creton smells nastier!!!
- I
could live without sex about half the time, but not
the other half.
Some
thoughts
I
will miss this stage in my life--moving beyond my
childbearing age and into my child-rearing age. It has
been all too brief. I've not really had time to enjoy
C's baby stage or the end of my pregnancy with him. Now
I have the depression which, in retrospect, has overshadowed
so much of my life. I've done a lot of reading. I may
not know all the reasons why I feel the way I do now or
all the things that have gotten me here, but the point
of therapy, I think, is to move beyond this part and integrate
the old me into the new me.
My
level of Prozac has been reduced back to 20 mg. It seems
to be all I can tolerate. I feel more panicky and suicidal
on the higher doses of Prozac. I recently read that one
may become more suicidal at the beginning of anti-depressant
therapy because the slowness that pervades depression
gets better and a person may go ahead and act on her urges.
Being in therapy helps with this stage.
Failure???
My
head hurts which is probably why I feel so low, but I
admitted to DH that sometimes it feels like it would be
easier to give up. I'm trying to find the time for myself,
pull out my bag of tricks, but I don't know if it's enough.
Food has always been a comfort measure, but I don't want
to use food that way. AND giving up is failure!
I don't want to be a failure at living. I feel like a
part of me is stuck in biochemical hell.--IT HAS TO
GET BETTER! (no more pink elephant) DH came right out
and said, "You don't want to kill yourself because of
what it would do to the kids." "You're right and it's
failure, " I replied. "It IS failure, so don't do it."
I
feel kind of hopeless tonight, but I know it will pass.
I am going to get something to eat and drink and read
for awhile. DH is flipping channels and it drives me bananas!
Tonight, it's irritating beyond words.
School
dreams again:
I
had one where the teacher assigned a book with all these
unfamiliar words. If we/class didn't respond enough in
discussions, then we had to take word/definition quizzes.
I couldn't even begin to guess what they were or what
they meant. It was frustrating. I also had the old dream
where I cannot open my locker. When I do, I find that
all my stuff is missing. That woke me at 3 am, just like
an alarm clock. Guess that means I'm still working on
old issues that are unresolved.
Side
Effects?
I
called Dr. R's office this morning. I am going to stop
taking the Reglan. I've been using that for my stomach
pain and the diarrhea with the IBS, but I think it's affecting
my mood in a negative way. I'll live with the IBS and
occasional chest pain if it means I'm not feeling suicidal
the other half of the time. According to the health website
on Discovery, it's on a list of drugs that can cause depression.
I have definitely noticed a difference between the way
I feel with Reglan as opposed to no Reglan. It hasn't
always affected me in that way.
Ending
on a good note:
I'm better enough to know that I want and deserve more
than this. I'm bound and determined to get it!
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