Entry
#30
~ There where I am
Hello
dear friends, I hope you are finding my journal helpful
in coping with depression and illness. I am a little behind,
so don't be surprised when you see me mention a snowblower.
I
still find that some days I have a hard time getting through.
I crawl into bed just to pull the covers over my head
and shut out the world. However, life goes on and so must
I (isn't that a song title?). My daughter continues to
amaze us.
I
have to preface this by saying if she gets lost, we'll
just have someone parcel post her and send her back! We
have a return address stamp for our mail now that we have
a home and are not planning to move anytime soon. Today,
K was quite busy. She stamped our return address all over
herself AND dumped all my games on the floor in
the basement. Dh and I were fit to be tied. I found it
pretty funny, but he did not. DH was very angry about
it. I was more angry about the games myself. I guess it
depends on one's point of view. It took us forever to
clean up...never realized how many games we have and don't
play even though they are good games. Our oldest had a
friend over to play this afternoon and he stayed for dinner
as well. It's amazing how I can manage to act quite normal
when I have to...even when I feel very out-of-sorts. DH
got to fire up his snowblower this afternoon for the first
time. What is it about men and their toys?
Dreams
Do Tell
I
dreamed about being spelled as a child by a witch. I kept
switching perspectives, but it makes more sense now. I
was the daughter of a mother whose mother was a practicing
white witch. There were two girls. One of them was reading
journals her mother published. In one of these journals
was a story about a man with a psychiatric illness who
could also affect people in other ways (almost sounds
like something Stephen King would write). This girl, who
was also me, ended up in the hospital after she rode up
in a cherry picker that went a million feet into the air.
While there she saw this face become evident on the ground...VERY
weird. (It reminds of the Face on Mars story.)
In
second dream, I was able to sort out exactly what was
going on for me. I had to go somewhere, so I grab two
pairs of blue jeans and head for the shower. I hear Dad
ask Mom about the size of my blue jeans. "What are they—a
size 16-18? What's her size now, a 9?" My thought is that
this is wishful thinking and I yell out of the shower,
"I had three babies, I'll never be a size 9 again!" (and
this is true...my ribs spread out and they are not going
to get smaller again) My mother tells him that she thinks
they are a 14, leave me alone.
I
was not quite sure what to think when I woke up, but both
dreams make a lot of sense now. The first speaks to the
distance I feel from everything right now. Maybe it's
even about how distant I feel from myself. Seeing the
face up in the air was scary and ominous.
The
second dream speaks directly to my experiences with weight
and my family. I am not a particularly thin woman. I never
have been thin although I was much more fit at one time
in my life. My dad called and still calls me fat sometimes.
Before my thyroid was regulated by medication, I was having
trouble with my weight. It didn't matter how much I ate
or did not eat, I was gaining weight...not anymore though.
We are dealing with this issue in therapy as well and
how it has affected my self-esteem.
Going
Downhill
If
I take a positive attitude, "this is what I'm going through,
it'll be okay," outlook then others will take that cue
as well...rally around when I need it, be supportive.
I AM getting better. Each day is a little better,
but I'm such a slave to my hormones. I HATE that! My marriage
is very shaky right now too. DH and I are not doing a
good job of listening to each other. I'm trying and I
know he tries, but it could be so much better. I have
to remember that.
I
wonder what "A" was thinking when he said, "interesting,"
about my oldest in discussing the kids. My daughter is
very emphatic in saying, "I hate you!" at times. I had
to teach my oldest that it is okay to say, "I'm mad at
you." He doesn't seem to think that is okay. In many ways,
our kids mirror us. My oldest seems to have a temperament
that is closer to mine than Dh's, while "K" seems to be
more like DH
Last
night all I could think about as I did the dishes were
the knives and thoughts about watching blood run. I am
having a bad time again. Seems like I always say that,
but today it's how I am. I called "A" today and told him
I am feeling suicidal again. He sounded VERY concerned.
When I told him what I was seeing and the urges I felt,
he asked me in a tone I had not heard before, "Marie,
do you need to go to the hospital?" and I said, "NO! I
don't want that!" That tone scared me more than anything.
I called DH home from work to sit with me today. I am
afraid I would try to hurt myself just to relieve the
stress I am feeling. This is so NOT like me. I don't understand
it at all, but I guess it is part of the process I'm going
through. I don't like this part where being dead could
feel better than living in my brain. My lesson in this
life is to get through the crisis and see the other side.
It's hard when I'm in the middle of the page.
Self
affirmation: There Where I Am
I'm
okay, I'm here, I'm making it in the here and now. Even
if something did happen in the past, I'm still okay. It
will come when I'm ready and when it's time. This has
been a huge wake-up call to take better care of myself.
Even as I find the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of
me, I'm here and I'm okay and I'm making it. Trust me,
trust God to watch and help me feel peaceful and safe.
I am getting better every day!
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