Entry
#3
~ Crisis point
Forget
December 7th! Crisis point reached...danger Marie, danger
Marie (imagine that being the voice from Will Robinson's
Lost in Space robot and you've got the urgency)! Since
Wednesday I've looked in my medicine cabinet at the place
where my pills were. I made DH throw them away, but he
had no idea how significant that was at the time.
On
Saturday, I got to the point where I admitted to my husband
just how bad I'm feeling. I was so scared. He freaked
out, but I knew he would. This is one of those times when
you want your husband to throw you over his shoulder and
make like a cave man. Maybe I was counting on that so
I couldn't weasel my way out of getting help this week.
He would not leave the house, absolutely refused, until
I called someone. My mother, my best friend, the doctor,
someone... I called my best friend and we talked for awhile.
My
best friend and I go back a long way. We've known each
other since the 7th grade. We hung out with a group of
friends all through high school until we went to separate
colleges. The summer after we graduated, I spent quite
a bit of time with her and her family boating on the Ohio
River. It was clean enough to swim in. I still recall
those quiet areas on the river where the riverbanks were
enclosed in undulating green hills. It was very peaceful.
She introduced me to my husband too, so D is a very dear
friend. I was worried that she would be judgmental or
not understand. If I could cry, I would have done it on
Saturday because she was so understanding and gentle.
D said that if it took some talking and a little "pink"
pill to make me better, then that's what I have to do.
Remember how I said that I wasn't sure how honest I would
be?
After
we hung up, I called DH at work to let him know I was
okay. Then, I called the office so I could get connected
to the answering service. They do not always call the
doctor when you call, but I insisted in this case. Ever
had an anxiety attack? Well, the medications I'm taking
for my thyroid can have the same effect sometimes-fast
heartbeat, fear in your throat-but in my case,
I was scared. The on-call doctor did call and we talked
for a few minutes. Remember how I said that I wasn't sure
how honest I would be? Well I decided to lay it all out
on the line. Until now, I never really understood how
serious a suicide threat can be. I could never understand
why it could be an option, but I understand why it is
taken seriously now. I know how that feels now too and
it is not pretty. The doctor suggested something OTC so
I could sleep better and I assured him that I would not
do anything!
I
called the office on Monday only to find my doctor was
out of the office. God, panic!! They wanted to send me
to urgent care and I refused to go. I hate getting passed
around like an old shoe. So, I was going to hold out for
Wednesday morning at 9:00 am. When DH got home from work,
we closed ourselves out on the breezeway and talked. He
told me in no uncertain terms that I was to be seen today
and it didn't matter whom I saw—that the kids were
reacting to how I felt. Relief...
Remember
that old song, Frank Zappa I think? They're Going to Take
Me Away! At this point, that might be a good thing! :)
This
morning, I psyched myself up to call the office again
and ask for an appointment today. My doctor found a place
for me this afternoon and I went in. He was running behind
this afternoon and I'm sure his other patients weren't
thrilled. I've never had things laid out quite this way.
I've seen people in different places online where their
family doctor has about seven minutes to listen and hands
them a script on the way out. My doctor took at least
30 minutes and I did get a script.
You
see, I just want to feel better. How do I put this? I
can figure out several ways to leave this world painlessly.
In fact, I've walked around the house looking at the choices
I have. (Scary, isn't it?) Don't ever let yourself get
to this point! The doctor asked me if I knew that I could
take too many pills and that I could go to sleep and die.
It was like listening to someone else's voice when I said,
simply, "Yes." He called it a compulsion. I told him I
don't want it, but I do want relief so bad.
So,
for now, I'm to take Prozac because I can take it while
nursing. I think nursing my baby is another way for me
to stay anchored to this world. I was afraid I'd have
to stop, but I'm not going to have to for now. Part of
me REALLY wanted to, but I know I would have a lot of
grief later on. I'm glad he didn't let me out of it. I
can expect it to take about twice as long for me to get
out of this funk as it did to get in this
funk. It will probably take a combination of medication
and counseling to see my way through to the end. If what
I'm feeling gets worse, then I have to call my doctor
or go to the ER.
I'm
foundering a bit tonight. At one point, my children came
and sat in my lap and wrapped their arms around me. Whoever
says children are not perceptive have not been around
children very much. I was being anchored. I had a SOLID
weight holding me so I could feel safe. That helped. My
poor husband. He doesn't understand, but he's trying to
help me out the best he can and be supportive. I'm still
scared, but I want to get better.
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