Entry
#29
~ The Dance of Mind
and Body
I
hope that last entry wasn't too disjointed for anyone.
So much has been happening in my life. I'm trying so hard
to get better and feel better, but when I don't and progress
is slow, I get so frustrated. I hate this in-between stuff.
Even my sense of humor is dulled, but not the suicidal
feelings I just had. I played out that scenario in my
brain. Sometimes it would be easier to give up—just
give up and go away. I can't do that because it's really
not an option. Maybe I'm scared because the emotions are
starting to bring through the ice I've had on them for
awhile.
Today
"A" suggested that h and I may want to consider couple's
therapy soon as a way to reconnect with each other. He
was amazed that neither of us had been in therapy prior
to my depressive episode. I don't know if h will go for
it or not. I'm open to the suggestion and we'll go from
there.
One
thing that is reassuring to me that "A" shared with me
today is that this is a normal part in the stages of therapy.
In the beginning, it's like a mountain going up and down
steeply. The next step is that it doesn't feel like much
is happening or changing. The next stage is the moderate
kind of hills—up and down about the same. This is
the hard part where you are getting to the meat of the
therapy. He told me that suicidal urges and thoughts are
a sign that I have to do more for myself—music, reading,
walking. With things being so hard for me right now, this
is maybe a sign to slow down and take my time with things
(stuff I'm dealing with in therapy).
The
Red-Haired Wonder
I
made a big change today. It was nice to get out of the
house and I chose to go to the hair salon. The gal who
does my hair is great. I had planned on getting a perm,
but chose to have my hair colored. It's RED with a hint
of orange in it...that part will fade, but I am so pleased.
I have always wanted to try red hair and with everyone
going around in some shade of red, at least around here,
I want it too! I'm making so many changes in my life.
I cannot help but wonder what others will think, but I
don't really care. I did it for me!
At
my last session, "A" suggested romantic movies as a way
for h and I to reconnect as a couple. The two of us really
have to work on things. I made a point of telling h when
he was rubbing my back in foreplay, "I feel very connected
to you right now." He didn't say much or react the way
I thought he might—maybe he was anticipating the
end in a big way and I know his back was hurting. If I
make more of effort to spruce up our relationship, h will
be more willing to try too. He's wary right now. I know
I am not a total innocent in all of this. It takes two
to make a marriage and it takes two to get a relationship
out of sync. I know we're salvageable and worthy of that.
Our kids deserve a good effort in this. We deserve a good
effort. I DESERVE A GOOD EFFORT on my part and his!!!
Mind
and Body
I
read something interesting tonight. The mind and body
are intricately connected. I have lucked out in finding
a family practitioner, who despite my inspired fantasies
:-), is just my doctor, BUT who treats me competently
and kindly. Many of my physical symptoms could be related
to the psychological ones and PROBABLY are. That doesn't
stop me from worrying about it though or even worse, keep
me from getting impatient with being "sick."
It
drives me nuts in one way to trudge in to see Dr. R so
often. I'm glad he cares, but I really want to avoid having
to pay for too many medical bills already this year. I'm
getting better and that's good! I'm working hard in therapy
and that's good! Got to keep at it for now.
H
hardly showed any affection today. I know he is not feeling
well, so this is probably not about me, but I think it
is in some part. I know I've been running hot and cold
the last two months—mostly cold—but I'M NOT
TOTALLY ASEXUAL like algae! I wonder if the chest pain
is a variant of anxiety? Panic? Maybe the step down in
my Prozac will deal with the anxiety, hence the chest
pain.
Ending
on a Light Note
Our
daughter doesn't sound like any typical three year old
(almost four now). She decided to put a show on for us.
She had been telling me for a week that she wanted to
put on a show for us, so tonight, I relented. I have to
tell you, her preparation for this show was better than
the show itself.
She
went into one cabinet, pulled out the steamer and the
plastic cups I have in there. She got out the measuring
spoons and started getting everything ready while we were
sitting in the kitchen waiting. She served imaginary food
for this performance first and was getting things set
up with her doll, Violet.
It
was taking her so long, that H would start making up funny
voices with the doll, which made us all laugh. Then, when
we would laugh even harder she got very mad at us which
made H and me go off into more gales of laughter. We made
real efforts to stop laughing because we really weren't
laughing at her, but just at this setup which took almost
an hour. The baby would get into the things she was setting
up, then our oldest would get into the act. Here was our
three-year-old daughter sounding like someone on TV. It
was amazing, hilarious, wonderful.
The
TWO SHOWS themselves, lasted five minutes altogether.
The happy feelings and family time we shared will last
a lifetime.
Copyright © 2001 - 2003 Marie and StorkNet Family
