On the Domestic Front
I think h's house-cleaning/helping-out honeymoon is just about over. When I said something about the snow, he got mad and said I won't have to shovel anything—yeah right. He was so mad at me this morning that he left without a kiss or saying good-bye even though I was awake and watching him. I slept poorly last night—hard to go to sleep and very fragmented after that. My stomach woke me up. It hurts so much this morning. I feel very anxious. I have tons of laundry to do, dishes to clean, house cleaning to do, and snow to clear. I've shoveled the driveway and sidewalk. I have to get to the grocery and my daughter has a doctor's appointment this afternoon.

I called A's voicemail. After sleeping through meeting my son's school bus, I know I have to do something else to deal with this anxiety.

Right now I feel like I have a wall around me with only little holes to see in or out. There's one gate and I'm afraid to open it too far lest a stampede knock me over. I can hear everything outside, some of it below my conscious awareness, but there like the annoying ringing in my ears that's almost always present.

The Next Day
"A" got me in for an emergency appointment today. He recommended that I call the ARNP handling my meds and talk to her about how I'm feeling. "A" stayed deliberately away from the hot topics until the end of my session and approached that only cautiously. We did talk about the other current stuff and that was good. My homework, besides setting my boundaries with H on the expectations of a clean house and assorted related topics, is to come up with a list which I can choose to share or not share about what would make me comfortable in intimacy with H.

If I don't think about sex, I seem to feel better. When I do think about sex, it makes me scared and nervous. I give myself permission not to deal with it right now and see what happens. I have talked to my med person and she is lowering my dose of Prozac to see if that helps.

I see "A" again in two days for my regular appointment.

Blood Pressure Woes
I had to go in and see my primary care doctor today. While I was there, my blood pressure, which has been a bit borderline lately—stress?????—was 140/90. That's high for me! The doctor checked my blood pressure again and it went down to 130/80, something which is a good thing. My older children were bouncing off the walls which did not help. I have to go back for a blood pressure check this month to make sure everything is okay.

My mood is everywhere but high. I love the good days because they ARE good. My eyes water a lot—almost like tears—but not really going anywhere at the moment; no accompanying sorrow, yet part of me feels sad and blue. DON'T GET IT!!! This must be the chemical part of my expression. I feel so screwed up!!!

The Intimacy List

• It takes me a long time to warm up to sex. Sometimes the intensity is too much and I can't let go.
• I don't want sex to feel like an obligation—should be a promise.
• No pressure—I usually give in because I feel pressured and obligated.
• Don't want to act out porno flicks. Gives an unrealistic view of sex from a woman's point of view.
• When I'm trying to be more receptive, it helps when that feeling is reciprocated.
• Prozac makes me feel dead down there--that's frustrating at times. Understanding is appreciated.
• Favors like rubbing my back, neck or feet shouldn't require sexual favors in return.
• Kisses and hugs are necessary for me to feel connected outside of sexual intimacy.