Entry
#27
~ Holiday Blues
I
used to have a hard time understanding why people get
depressed around holidays or just can't seem to get the
holiday spirit. In the last month, there has been Thanksgiving,
then Christmas, now almost the New Year. It is hard for
me to put a happy face on things when I don't feel that
way. With kids, you have to try to put on a happy face
or at least I think it is important to try.
As
children, we do not realize the world can be a bad place
sometimes. For some, it is wonderful, full of happy memories,
and joy. For some others, life can be a nightmare of fear,
terror, and pain. I know I did not have that kind of childhood,
but I do have to wonder about some of it. "A" is putting
it "in my face" gently, but it is there. I think it can
be very easy to damage another person by directing hurtful
words such as fat, teacher's pet, smarty pants, at her.
Whether it comes from home or a peer group, the words
hurt. They wound one's soul. As a parent, I am trying
not to be like that with my own children. Even so, I find
myself slipping and saying the same kinds of things or
using the same phrases my parents did. My parents are
not bad people at all, but until I started therapy, I
did not realize how much the words they used at times
have become a part of me in a negative way. Add that into
the mix and you can see how the holiday might not be too
much fun.
Another
thing that is difficult is trying to get in and see my
therapist. He is booked pretty solidly until after the
New Year. As long as I can keep myself together until
then, I'll be okay.
Memories
When
I was little, my brothers and I used to horseplay with
Dad. We didn't do much of it after we moved to where to
my parents live now (I was in the third grade). He used
to do this thing with all three of us where he would pin
us down (innocent!) and tickle us. I was always
afraid. I would claim I had to go to the bathroom even
if I didn't, but went in any case. When I was older, H
and I started our life together, I used to get off in
my fantasies a little about bondage. I suppose that is
part of normal sexuality, but I'm not sure I know what
that really is. The thought of that now just makes me
quail inside!!
I
know that some of you know what this is. I've talked about
it before: irritable bowel syndrome. It can be alternating
bouts of constipation and/or diarrhea. Mine tends toward
the latter. I was first diagnosed with it in 1992. It
has flared up in times of stress and gone away when I
feel better emotionally and physically. It has been a
real problem for me in a big way for months.
I
decided to do some research on the web to see what I could
find out. One thing I know is that it is one of the most-commonly
diagnosed intestinal problems people have in the U.S.
It used to be something considered to be "in the head."
In a way maybe it is. One thing western medicine does
not do real well is integrate mind and body and energy.
The gut is part of what keeps us rooted. If it flares
up around stress, it might indicate something being held
back or in rather than being let out. However, now those
of us who have it are more likely to be taken seriously
by our doctors. Something else I found in some of the
references used by doctors, IBS MAY indicate a
history of sexual abuse.
OMG!
Now I understand why Dr. F. at the hospital asked me about
sexual abuse in my history. I know that question is asked
routinely. Given that IBS turns up often in the sexually
abused population, I can see why he emphasized "that YOU
remember," line he used when we met for the first time.
Thinking and reading about this is driving my anxiety
quite high. I still have ativan to use, so I took a half
and went to sleep for awhile.
I
guess I am counting the days to my next therapy session
which helps me hold on. What will happen next? What will
we cook up for a treatment plan? Some days, it is really
hard to remember how it feels to be happy and okay. I
treasure the moments when I have peace and happiness because
they are so fleeting these days.
I
think it would be easy to give up; easier sometimes, but
only for me. The hardship and hard feelings that it would
create in my H and children are a roadblock. If it were
just me, I'd probably give up. BUT, I am a person connected
to other people even if those connections feel sparse
right now.
I
see "A" soon and maybe then we can talk about what all
of this means. Have I been sexually abused at some point
or suffered some kind of sexual trauma? I don't know.
I would think I'd remember, but I don't remember anything
like that.
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