Entry
#26
~ Anxiety and Dogs
Dh
and I have talked frankly about our worries and concerns.
He's afraid to trigger me into "bad thoughts" as he calls
them, so he doesn't want to bring up his concerns. He
also doesn't like that I have utilized Emergency Services
or might have to. At least the anxiety I felt today has
gotten better and I don't feel so scared. I think the
term she used was "grounded." I feel more grounded.
Later...
DH and I did have sex, but I felt disconnected from the
act. That isn't a good thing for our relationship even
if it is helpful for him to have a physical release at
times.
I
have to wonder if sexual abuse is a legitimate concern?
I can't believe it came from nowhere. Or is this all a
hormonal nightmare or are the two intimately involved?
I cannot believe the gag is caused by an aversion to kissing
dh because I have also experienced it with my kids when
they get in too close and personal. While a gag can be
a sign of thyroid problems, I don't think my thyroid is
the reason. I think I have to trust my inner sense that
all is not right. Considering what I have written in my
journal prior to even thinking about this, makes me more
certain that I'm on the right path.
Dh's
afraid for me. I'm afraid for me sometimes!
Why do these things happen and why, if I've not consciously
remembered it all these years, is it bothering me so much
now? Unless it was all the change this year, coupled with
9-11, and connected to what has gone on prior to now,
that has put me in a position where I have to deal with
it now. I wonder what the outcome will be?
My
real meds person
This morning I met the person who will be managing my
medications. She's a physician's assistant, a certified
position in my state, and definitely less expensive than
the psychiatrist. She seems okay. I like her. She did
increase my Prozac dosage to 40 mg. Whoa! That's double
what I've been taking.
Anxiety
mounts
In an attempt to figure out what's going on, I've made
a list to see if I can make sense of any of this. This
isn't everything, but it's most of it. Some things are
hard to write about, even harder to talk about.
***Have
always preferred a woman ob/gyn. I have had male gynecologists
before, but I feel more safe with a woman.
***Boundaries...I put boundaries between me and other
people. I don't want to cuddle with DH I don't want the
kids to touch me. Touch feels threatening, violating,
intrusive.
***I recall some kind of infection I had when I was little
that my mother doesn't recall, but I did have to sit in
the bath tub after I peed.
***Even though I sleep in same bed as DH, I've never really
liked to have anyone in bed with me except my grandma.
***I was afraid of the dark for a long time.
***I don't think it was my dad or brothers!!!
***I am still numb.
***I've noticed that the sex issues have sprung up around
the time my older two have turned two. It was worse with
my daughter when she turned two. I have joked that the
baby was almost an immaculate conception.
***Certain touches to face and mouth cause a gag.
***I push away DH's hands when he tries to touch my breasts,
but I don't feel the same about the baby nursing.
***When kids use my legs as a tunnel and I'm sitting,
I get so creeped out. The same way I got creeped out when
a child I babysat at 13-14 played with my leg on purpose.
I was freaked out about that as well.
***I NEVER sleep on my stomach. Everyone else does in
this house, but not me.
***I have never been comfortable sleeping naked or changing
out in an open locker room.
***I was very curious about sex as a teenager, although
very naive as well.
Crying
babies and Mrs. Howell
I
am having a hard time sleeping again. It took me awhile
to fall asleep, then once I did, I woke up when the baby
did. The second time made me mad because DH got mad at
the baby for crying as though it was the baby's fault.
What does he think I've been doing for years? I still
have to get up and go in the morning. Although I did sleep
after that, I did not sleep well.
I
had a very strange dream this morning in which this old
lady, like Mrs. Howell from Gilligan's Island, is breeding
poodles. Only one of them is having babies so far. It
was a black one with one webbed foot. It was on the floor
and I almost stepped on it, so I scooped it up in my hand.
The dog urinated and bit my hand — IT HURT!!! I eventually
got the dog detached from my hand and washed up in the
bathroom. The bathroom had a woman in the back corner.
I didn't want to go in, but I think I did because my hand
was clean again. Then I walked into a classroom where
a plate of shortbread cookies was sitting on a table.
These cookies had little beaded things moving in them
and popping out. The woman who was in the classroom was
an alien who looked human.
I
use a website called Dream
Moods when I am not sure what elements might mean
in my dreams. It is said dreams are a mirror of the soul.
In analyzing my dream, this is what I get: The dog with
the webbed foot is an aspect of me, the peeing on the
hand is self-defense and the pain from the bite means
I'm starting to feel again. The alien/human is another
aspect of me (part I don't want to see). Shortbread is
a very simple cookie—butter, sugar, flour, and salt.
It represents the ordinariness of my life. The things
popping out of it are memories I don't necessarily want
to confront, but are there anyway.
Growth
I can look back over the time that has passed and feel
some of my agonies. I don't like to appear less than put
together, but I have trusted enough to start asking for
help. I've said things to DH, my family doctor, "A" that
I could not have in the past. That is growth; that
is strength; it represents getting better!
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