Entry
#25
~ Shattered Glass
When
I was in the hospital, Dr. F said something that made
me think, "No sexual abuse... that you are aware of?"
as if I might not be. I said no at the time, but now I'm
wondering. Is it possible that this would explain why
I put a certain amount of distance between me and other
people?
Dh
and I talked plainly last night about our sex life and
lack thereof. He's afraid that what I'm going through
will lead to a divorce. I feel separate, but it's not
due to him or the children. DH wanted to cuddle last night,
but I kept pushing him away. I never used to do that.
What has changed and why has it changed? Knowing an answer
might be real helpful, but then a part of me is scared
to consider what that answer might be and what it could
mean.
Did
the suicide compulsion happen because of the depression?
Was it the original thoughts that pushed me into depression?
Or, was it some thing that I've pushed down and
away from awareness that won't stay there any longer?
So, dealing with it is the only way I'll get better? Scary—what
if it's nothing at all? My marriage is doomed without
a good sex life in our future. I want that. I used
to enjoy sex, but not anymore. I'm going to have to get
over the willies and deal with this openly and honestly
with "A."
A
part of me has become turned off to sex, but a part of
me is not, and that's the part I want! When did it change?
When my oldest was two??? or later with my daughter when
she was about two?
Weird
dreams again...
I had dreams that were a takeoff on Newhart (and inn)
and Designing Women. In it, I'm one of the women and my
ex-husband, now remarried, comes to stay at the inn with
their daughter and his stepdaughter. In one of the "related
episodes," I'm in the middle of trying to work out a puzzle
with the girls, and almost have it, when I break a wineglass
in my hand, and lose my concentration. I'm upset about
it and my hand is bleeding. The girls tell me it will
be okay, but I'm still upset and it did not hurt my hand
to break the glass.
I
make the call...
I called "A" today. I briefly related how I felt during
and after the last session we had (dizzy, thought I was
going to pass out then and extremely anxious since then).
His comment was, "Reeally?" We'll talk about it later
this week. I'm not even sure what I will say or how because
it doesn't make sense. A part of me says that just as
I came to accept that I had depression, something in me
is saying don't dismiss these feelings out of hand. Who
and why? IF something happened, shouldn't I remember
it?
DH
and I talked plainly again tonight. I asked him to tell
me when he thought our sex life had gone to hell, "about
the time 'our oldest' was two." When did it get worse?
"When our second was about two." That correlates with
what I was thinking.
I
have called certain kinds of touches intrusive, but the
feeling that goes better with that word is violated. Sometimes
touch feels wrong even though the context of the situation
makes it not wrong (foreplay in sex or the kids crawling
up my legs). I wonder if any of this is tied up with reasons
why I am not comfortable with a babysitter for the kids.
Am I stretching it...looking for reasons to justify my
feelings?
My
Anxiety Mounts
Since the place where I go for therapy is closed today,
I have no choice but to call Emergency Services because
I feel so freaked out and I don't know how to handle the
feelings I'm having. I'm scared and anxious. I am so afraid
that I have been sexually abused at some point in my life
and the awful thing is not remembering any of it if it
exists. It's one of those feelings I get when I know something
is wrong, but not exactly what. It's an instinct that
I have learned to trust.
I
talked to someone who was able to get me calmed down enough
to listen to what she had to say. She offered me some
grounding techniques: sit and relax in a chair and feel
the strength of the chair holding me; remind myself that
I am here in the present and nothing can hurt me; I'm
safe. It has helped because I do feel more grounded at
the moment.
I've
made it through by staying absolutely busy the rest of
this day. I'm tired and irritable, but I made it through.
I think I'll even be able to sleep again tonight.
Things
I'm Thankful for:
1) a family who loves and cares about me
2) a supportive husband
3) three wonderful children
4) the miracle of new life in my baby
5) a family doctor whose kindness and compassion allowed
me to express my awful feelings without judgment or condemnation
6) the chance to re-evaluate my life and find the positive
7) a therapist whom I can trust in a way I haven't trusted
anyone in a long time
8) to know that God loves me in a way I do not love myself
9) knowing that with help, prayers, love, concern, and
work, I will get better and heal--that I will move
beyond this point.
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