If I can just take a moment...

One of my marvelous traits is adaptability. I know this might sound conceited on one hand, but it is one skill I have in spades. Sometimes I have a hard time with introspection: glossing over what I think is inconsequential, but isn't. That's where therapy is playing a crucial role because it is an outside view looking in. I'm learning new insights and internalizing them to a certain degree—hence my adaptability.

I wonder if there are downsides to adaptability? If one can lose too much of himself or if it is an evolutionary path to survival? That must be why I'm still here and why I have asked for and accepted help. I HAVE to change and adapt my behavior in order to survive! (that is the biologist in me speaking)

Mother in the Mirror

Part of me is doing great—I feel better—some medical stuff again, but maybe that overlays all of this for me. Part of me quails at the thought of what I still have to confront. I will make progress and am making progress, but I'm taking some steps in the dark—places that are scary and uncomfortable, places I want to hide from; things I want to avoid and ignore.

I am honest enough with myself, if not always with others, to know when I see some truths. It's like looking in the mirror. What is reflected back is not always what I see—I see what I want to see or don't want to see. A nugget of myself knows what I see and knows it to be true even if I deny it loudly everywhere else, even if I try to deny it to the mirror. Sometimes I think my eyes are playing tricks.

My hair has had bits of gray and white showing up, so I was checking for a few tonight and took a good look at myself. I almost didn't recognize the face looking back at me because I kept seeing my mother's eyes staring back at me—it was me, but it was also my mother—very weird. Does that mean I'm getting older? I know I am, but while my body acts old, I feel like such a kid. I still have goals I want to reach in my life, yet time feels so speeded up.

I don't always like to work hard unless I have something invested in the outcome. Is that lazy or part of human nature? Feels lazy to me! :-) In the long run, I am doing all of this because I want to live! I want to find myself that I've lost! I want to feel again even if it hurts and is painful.

The Household Load

The baby is sick. Why does this always happen right before a holiday? When I took the baby in to see the doctor, he looked so casual from his usual formal self and was surprised to see us. I have to bring the baby back in two days to see if he's better or not. He probably will be. I worry though since I've had to partially wean him from nursing...

Just did 1 1/2 hours with a very cranky baby. He was overtired, but also hungry. He won't take a bottle of formula from me when he knows he gets the real thing from me and my milk production has gone way down from when I started the Prozac and was in the hospital. Bottles make life easier for some I supposed, but it's still not the same as nursing for me. This is my last baby and is one of the things I was looking forward to when I had him.

I am feeling shoved aside by my husband's job right now. I'm trying to schedule my counseling and other appointments around his schedule and it seems such a problem. I know he's trying to understand, but some of his well-intentioned changes have come undone—something I knew would happen. Guess who's going to do all the dishes tomorrow despite a promise that they'd be done today? Me of course and more laundry and getting the kids to straighten up their rooms. It seems very overwhelming at the moment.

I am so crampy at the moment and would love to feel better again. I got some severe chest pain tonight which was a little scary given my Dad's history, but I think it must have been from overdoing some work around the house.

The chest pain scared me enough that I asked the doctor about it when I saw him next. Almost ended up with an EKG. Lord help me!!! I refused it, but my blood pressure was measuring 140/82 which is a little high. It's been that way for awhile now. I don't know if it's my thyroid acting up—my arthritis is flaring a bit too—feel like a science experiment gone wrong sometimes. :-) I'm supposed to call him back if it happens again.

I did so much work today that DH gave me with an unsolicited compliment. It took me all day and I would love to have had time to sit and do nothing for awhile. I feel like a new woman at times. The Prozac is finally working because I feel so much better. I was watching Mr. Holland's Opus yesterday and enjoyed it, but there was no cascade of tears that I've always gotten. I'm still locked up pretty tight although I'm trying not to get so stressed. It's difficult at times.

I feel like I'm racing fast tonight—everything feels fast; my thoughts, my writing, my voice. Maybe it means I'm getting better. Yeah!!!

P.S. from Marie: I have quite a few journal entries up now and hope they are helpful to those of you facing a crisis in your life. I never imagined what this would become for me, what would happen. Sometimes I wish I could blank it all out, but that is not going to happen. Just so you know, you are NOT alone. Reaching out was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I don't regret it even on the hard days.

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