Entry
#22
~ Marie the Hypochondriac
I
keep listening to my music, but I'm trying to listen more
than 10 minutes a day. Generally, that means I have to
do it in the evening after everyone has gone to bed. The
only CD player we have is the one in the living room,
so I have to wait. I don't mind because even though I'm
still taking a sleeping pill at bedtime, I am finding
that I relax quite a bit and go to sleep much easier.
Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. My plan
is to stop taking any sleeping pills soon!
I
was listening to music last night, but I found it very
hard to relax. I couldn't get to that place where I float
away, and it still hurts to breathe.
When
I was a kid, my parents thought I was a hypochondriac.
I used to get "colds" that started in the fall and lasted
all winter interspersed with bouts of real colds and coughs
some of which made me quite wheezy. I know now that it
was mostly allergies, but I was miserable for years. Maybe
they thought I wanted more attention, but honestly, all
I wanted was to feel well. It wasn't until I was 18 that
I got tested for allergies. I have had sinus trouble for
years. I also apparently have PCOS (polycystic ovarian
syndrome) which may be an autoimmune illness as my thyroid
issues are autoimmune. I've had at least one undiagnosed
depressive episode prior to this one.
I've
been plagued by these black clouds on and off my whole
life and have had many of my health issues downplayed
because my parents didn't like going to the doctor. I
don't really care to go myself. I've been in the office
at least once a month for the last six months---some of
those months twice! I guess what's plaguing me is what
the nurse said in reply to me recently, "Wheezing isn't
normal, Marie," when I said, "It's only a little wheeze."
I'm glad I did go because it's helped me to be able to
breathe more easily. I didn't know it could be this way.
It's important that we all take care of ourselves. I've
learned that the hard way. I am the main caregiver to
my children, but I can't keep giving and not take something
for myself.
Sex
and the Lack Thereof . . . and Time Marches By
Dh
wants sex so bad, but my drive is only starting to get
a tiny little light in it. Right now, I'd be having sex
more for him than for me. It would not be a first by any
means, but I'm feeling selfish and I want it to be for
me first!!! Right now, I'm just not there.
Writing
helps even if all I'm doing is talking to myself (and
you too). I can't get Dh to sit down and listen. At times
when I've been very chatty, Dh turns me off the way my
family used to. I've always hated that. It's been especially
difficult since the kids because I rarely get adult conversation
during the day, although my precocious three-year-old
asks me about things far beyond her age.
It
has been a bad day for suicide thoughts. Images of that
day are flashing through my head---VERY, VERY SCARY. I
know I'm supposed to find better ways to cope. "A" has
told me that when I do other things around the house such
as cleaning, washing dishes or laundry, etc, that I am
to do at least as many of the good things on my list for
myself. It is hard to find time to do that with three
children at home.
I've
started a new book on depression that comes highly recommended
according to some of the book editorials I've seen. The
tone is so dismal that I am not going to tell you which
one it is. Feeling
Good,
the one I told you about before is so much better in that
regard.
Dh
threw a hissy fit when I got back home this afternoon.
I had gone to the bedroom to write some more in my journal.
I gave up, took my ativan, and went to the kitchen to
do dishes and make dinner. He was upset that the kitchen
table was messy. We raised our voices and the kids were
soon yelling at us to stop arguing. Dh always seems mad.
He complains that the doctors will not talk to him about
my condition, yet he doesn't even ask about going to my
appointments with my family doctor. He COULD ask me. He
could go to my doctor appointments if he asked.
I
wonder if he thinks I should be all better and that's
it? I have some stuff buried that I left behind long ago,
only it's been stuck like toilet paper to my shoe and
I've been dragging it around for years!
Today
I read the Do-Nothingism chapter in Feeling Good. Dr.
Burns asserts that the less you do to try and feel better,
the worse you feel. For example, depressed people often
feel like laying around in bed all day. I do most of the
time. If I get up and get going, I find that I start feeling
better. Maybe I need to do a better job at taking care
of myself, but if doing things around the house helps,
then I guess it will have to do for now. All I can do
is keep trying. "A" tells me I will get better. Some people
get better on Prozac in just a few weeks. It's taking
a long time for me, but I've got to keep going.
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