I gave up sock matching and headed up the stairs to help get the kids ready for bed. DH was acting mad and upset like's he's been acting all day. After I got my daughter read to and got the baby ready for bed, I went to ask DH what's wrong? He said, "It's not you, don't worry about it." How can I not? I feel it like a cloud hanging over our heads.

I asked him gently what WAS wrong and he said, "I feel unappreciated at home and at work. The kids especially." When I tried to get him to say more, he said, "When I tell them to put away a toy after playing with it, they don't listen."

We left it at that after I said, "We do have different styles with the kids, but you did say they listened to you when I was in the hospital." He turned out the light—his signal for not wanting to talk anymore.

I almost wanted to say, "So you know how it feels. What's to be done around here is to be done. I rarely feel appreciated. I do dishes because they have to be done. I wash and fold because it has to be done. I run to the doctor with the kids because it has to be done. IT'S PART OF MY JOB!"

Apparently, not getting any sex is a part of this, but the appreciation or lack thereof is worse! Is this me or him or both? I guess I would be more inclined to give kudos if he would say something like, "It's a lot harder being at home than I thought it would be." But maybe I'm jumping to conclusions if DH thinks I don't do a good enough job. Maybe I'm not jumping to conclusions because that is how I feel, but what I feel is not always how it is. So, I'm doing a good job, but I don't do it the way DH thinks I ought to do it. I'M NOT HIM!!!

I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but one of my homework assignments is to listen to music 10 minutes a day by myself. "A" told me that I should try to make the room dark, put on the music, and close my eyes. He recommends instrumental music. He doesn't know what music means to me. It's been a part of my life for so long yet I may never be able to sing as I once did. That makes me feel sad like I've lost a friend, but I can't keep feeling like that forever either!!! Music does make me feel better and I do feel better tonight as a result.

In another effort to make myself feel better, I happened to catch an episode of Red Skelton tonight on my local PBS station. Comedy does not have to be off-color, just true to nature. People can be funny without trying. I know I have a way of looking at things that comes across funny to other people at times. Maybe I'll make a date for this on Tuesday nights for awhile.

I'm trying to do what needs to be done around home, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. Sometimes I get angry for no good reason or I just cannot get moving. Sometimes I feel like I'm butting my head against a brick wall when it comes to talking to DH

This afternoon I called DH at work to see how his day had gone. He asked me after we had discussed that a bit, "What's for dinner?"
"I don't know, don't have anything. Been kind of busy."
"Me too." I said, "I always make dinner. I thought I'd let you decide and make it tonight."
He relies crossly, "Well I always clean!"
ZING!!!!
I asked this time, "What's for dinner?"
"Spaghetti."
"We don't have any sauce."
"I'll get some," and he tersely replied.

That conversation just makes me mad. I have been busy putting away a mountain of clothes today. Even though I had intended to let DH put his own away, I will do it just to avoid an argument. It will be interesting to note whether I get a Thank You or not and how it comes across. The kids need help with theirs and I don't expect anyone to put mine away. It's a lot today.

When he got home, we embarked on this:
"So, how was your day?"
"Lovely," he replies with some sarcasm.
"Lovely how?" determined to be pleasant.
"Until the phone call."
I asked, "The phone call bothered you?"
"Well as usual you are implying that I never do anything around here!"
" 'R', if I had meant that, I would have said it. Who does most of the cooking?"
"We both do, Marie."

Not true—I do most of the meal preps around here. I feel like there's always an account balance somewhere. I've needed help lately, but I feel as though some of the extra help I've needed is being held against me as if the other times do not count. Makes me so mad!!!

One good thing about tonight. He did notice that I had put away his clothes and said, "Thank you. The kids appreciate it too."

I said not too loudly, "They helped me put their clothes away."

IT IS ACKNOWLEDGMENT WHICH IS MORE THAN I GET SOMETIMES—need to take what I have and stop spinning wheels which gets me nowhere except mad!

I wonder if I'm being fair to DH? He seems to think that my anger comes from my distorted thinking. I think I'm resentful of how I'm treated around here at times.

P.S. This is from the next morning, but I think it is worthwhile to pass on. I was out doing my delivery work this morning with the kids and had the most bizarre conversation in my head. Two cars in front of me were driving erratically. It looked like a case of road rage starting up, so I let quite a bit of distance get between us.

"I don't want to be in a car accident."
"AH-HA, I AM getting better!"
"I mean, yes I wanted to do myself in, but not the kids!"
"Besides in a car wreck, you may not die only get hurt pretty bad."
"Except when I was going to go over the railroad tracks."
And my answer to these points/counterpoints: "Why would I want to hurt my kids? They didn't do anything to hurt me that I did not do myself!"