Entry #2
~ Depression?
So,
here I am. I went back for my follow-up appointment at
the end of October. My TSH had come down from the 14's
to 3.23. That's pretty good, but I was and am still feeling
lousy. I hurt all the time, especially my hands to the
point where I've had trouble gripping bottles and squeezing
them. I am so tired in the afternoon that I almost fall
asleep—and did a couple of weekends ago. Caffeine
has been my friend of necessity lately. I wake up stiff
and sore and if I sit in the car too long, I walk like
an old lady. My tummy gets upset by too much milk. My
daughter is at a particularly difficult age and while
I know the time will pass quickly enough, some days it
isn't fast enough. Some days all I really want is peace
and quiet, which is difficult with three children.
The
doctor sent me for an X-ray last week when I saw him last.
At the time, he was saying something about symptoms while
studying something. When I asked for clarification, he
said the words that none of us ever want to hear, "Many
of these things are consistent with depression." He sort
of threw that out as he was going out the door to write
up my lab slips. "Oh boy," I'm thinking, "but
I'm not depressed! I don't feel depressed, I'm not sad.
Come on!" My thyroid is out of whack, these things
happen. Yes, depression often results from having a thyroid
problem and I'm sure the thyroid has been going on for
at least two years because I complained about fatigue
last year, but it was attributed to having two very busy
children. I think that he intended to plant that seed
so that I'm not too surprised if he brings depression
up in December. But this has me in a tizzy!
Now
I've set out to learn as much as I can over the next few
days. The Internet is wonderful for that. You can find
all kinds of things if you use the right search engine.
Much of it will scare you to death or make you think you
have every illness under the sun if you are not too careful!
According to a couple of the online screening tools I
used, I do appear to have some sort of depression. After
getting upset thinking about the possibilities, I looked
deeply inward to be honest. I don't feel depressed, but
I'm also not myself.
You
see, I have dealt with so many different issues over the
past ten years: infertility, developmental delays, hole
in the heart for my oldest, life-threatening food allergies
in my daughter, two hospitalizations for my oldest for
various medical problems (all resolved now). You'd think,
this is small potatoes! But now, I have something
that I will have for the rest of my life. The Hashimoto's
isn't going to go away with treatment. I will have to
take a little pill every day for the rest of my life.
The impact of that reality is really starting to hit me.
I have dealt with so many other things, why should this
be scary?
I've
left out one earth-shattering development that got all
of us last month, the bombing of the World Trade Towers
and the bombing of the Pentagon on September 11. I cried
most of that week to the point where I just had to turn
the news off because I couldn't watch it anymore. I've
always been one to give people an extra chance, to turn
the other cheek, to be open-minded and tolerant. The obvious
hate with which these attacks were carried out has hit
me extra hard. The anthrax stuff, which is really an area
of interest for me (if I had stuck to pre-medicine and
gone on to medical school, I would have been interested
in infectious disease), I cannot even turn on. I barely
watch the news. In fact, some days I'm sort of numb to
the whole thing. Maybe the doctor's diagnosis of depression
isn't so far off. It certainly seems to be exacerbated
by my thyroid condition.
I'll
tell you, the whole idea of depression is scary. It's
always carried a social stigma. A good friend of mine
once admitted herself to the psych ward because she was
feeling so bad physically and couldn't cope. I wonder
now if her thyroid wasn't part of the problem? Anyway,
she told me that people got really funny when she mentioned
it to them. Even though she was the same person, they
looked at her differently. I don't like the idea of messing
around with my brain chemistry. Even though I shouldn't
feel bad for maybe having a problem like this, I do. So,
I go back to see my doctor at the beginning of December.
I have to decide if I'm going to be really open about
everything or selective in what I say. I need to feel
better and I'm not there right now. One of the things
they ask you about is whether or not you have made plans
to commit suicide. Over the fall, when I was feeling my
worst and just wanted relief, I did contemplate that half
seriously. I figured I had the means but wasn't sure how
effective it would be. I did decide at the time I was
thinking about it, again not real seriously, that I COULD
NOT do such a stupid thing. I have three children and
a husband who need me and I need them. I got rid of the
means and obviously am not planning on acting on the thought,
but again, I have to decide whether or not he needs to
know it. If I tell him, then it goes in my record. I don't
want it there. The thought of people who know me knowing
this about me, scares me! It's easy, I could say nothing,
but I've always tried to be honest and forthright.
Whatever
I decide to do, it will be interesting. The dosage on
my thyroid medicine has been increased. Maybe when I go
back in, I'll be feeling better and none of this will
come up. But, I doubt that because he told me that we
would be discussing/"exploring" the depression stuff more
at the next appointment. (grimace)
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