Entry #19
~ The Fried Chicken
I
have mentioned to "A" that I have an online journal just
as I'm writing in my paper journal. It's hard because
some day I may choose to share this with friends and family,
but I don't think I'm at a point where I can do that.
For now, I choose to write as honestly as I can, with
the knowledge that these are my perceptions and not necessarily
those of the people around me.
My
insides are roiling after the session today. I have so
many things to consider. We spent a lot of time talking
about my relationship with DH and relationship issues
from the past. One of the thoughts I've had is that SEX
will probably/obviously come up at some point. I don't
know if I'm ready to talk about it yet or will ever be
comfortable enough to do that. Even a hint of it made
me feel so light-headed I thought I might pass out today.
When I got home today, I did dishes, ate something real
quick and braced for Dh coming home. I needed to take
some of my anxiety medication today because I was feeling
so anxious.
When
I did my intake session with "A," he asked a lot of questions.
One of them was whether or not I have ever been hit. I
pretty much glossed that over because I grew up in a time
when parents spanked and yes, I even earned a few slaps
across the face as a kid. I've been pushed around a bit
by my husband. It hasn't happened often and rarely since
we had kids. A vivid memory is the time he threw a plate
of fried chicken at me. I ducked and it hit the wall.
Even though I wiped and cleaned that spot, the grease
stain was there until we moved! There have also been a
few times when I was pushed away or held away, grabbed.
What I felt was fear and anger and frustration. In talking
about this, the questions came so fast at me I didn't
have time to think about too long about what I was answering,
so I guess I was surprised by what came out of my mouth
as well. Call it the verbal runs! It's hard for me to
even recall all of that now. I made it clear that if I
was ever hit, DH would be very sorry. I will not tolerate
being hit although I probably should not have tolerated
the other things either. I guess I justify it, but I don't
have to like it. Maybe that is a form of self disrespect?
We also talked about what happened when I dated the person
before DH and how afraid I was at that point. I felt so
disrespected when I said, "No!" to former boyfriend's
sexual advances. I didn't get raped, but I was afraid
that it could happen. One thing DH has always done is
respect my "no's" unlike the prior boyfriend. I've never
been afraid that DH would rape me or force me to have
sex. Even when he gets mad, he usually walks away... not
always, but most of the time.
It's
a tough time for me. I'm still trying to work through
feeling suicidal and dealing with the responsibilities
I have at home. I don't have much of a choice in one way.
I've read the statistics that say children of parents
who have committed suicide have a higher risk of suicide
themselves. I may not want to be here all the time, but
I also know that I cannot burden my children with guilt
they would undoubtedly have if I died this way. I cannot
do it to the man I love.
This
part of my life is going to be difficult to write about.
DH had an abusive stepfather. I don't know much more other
than that he hit DH and Dh's siblings and was verbally
abusive as well. I also know his father and new wife went
to court to get custody of them after that time. Sometimes
I think his history comes into play in our house. I know
DH is stressed about what's happened with me. The kids
seem to stress him a lot... especially our daughter. For
a change, I'm not in a bad mood, but everyone else seems
to be. My daughter thinks DH doesn't like her or love
her because "he's always mean and he likes 'my older brother'
better." She also said that she didn't think "Daddy loves
me because he won't let me get toys or do what I want."
Now, that is the typical rant of any child and my daughter,
at 3, is quite expressive and specific. However, when
I told DH what she had said, his response was, "Keep her
away from me. I just won't tell her to do anything..."
(Now I know that my daughter is pushing the envelope and
this is a totally normal for her age. I wish he could
see it like that. He forgets how hard it was with a son
who had sensory-motor issues. Her tantrums are a breeze
compared to his tantrums at the same age). Sometimes,
I think he acts more like a kid than our kids! Despite
all that, I know he loves us and I know he loves our children.
He shows it in so many ways. I think this is an example
of his history coming back into play in our household.
THAT'S
WHY I'M AFRAID!! If I tell him how I really feel sometimes,
I'm afraid he will go off the deep end in the sense that
it's easier to run away than deal with tough emotional
issues. As a result, I have stuffed so much in that it's
exploding out and covered up all the nerve endings. I
don't think I can go on hiding my true feelings. It's
too hard to live like this, but will my marriage survive
the changes I have to make so that I can survive? I don't
know if it can. I do want to try because I made a commitment
to my husband for the long haul. This is one of those
"in sickness or in health, in good times or in bad" moments
that all marriages come to at some point. It's adversity
we will have to face down together.
This
is something that made me cry tonight because I am really
sad about the state of things at home. It's odd. I can't
cry about much of anything, but this discord in my home
evokes the tears.
One
of the hallmarks of depression is sleep disturbance. I
am making an effort not to use my sleeping pills at bedtime.
Even with DH taking on the night feedings, I still wake
up when the baby does. I can't take sleeping pills forever,
so I take them when I'm desperate for sleep and try to
tough it out other nights. Everything I've read, says
depression does get better. Therapy with medication makes
that even more likely, plus changes tend to "stick" with
therapy.
Today,
at the end of my session, I made a comment about how "A"
must think that my coping skills are not so great/that
I should work on doing better. Well, I found out one of
the other tenets of the cognitive behavioral therapy I'm
doing (I think that's what it is): homework! I
am supposed to take that statement and find the types
of cognitive distortions I'm using from the list in Feeling
Good. I laughed when I was given the homework, but
I will also make a point of doing it. I wonder what the
point is, but maybe that's what I'm to find out.
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