Entry #17
~ The Chorus
Gosh,
I feel good - even sang in my car today. My body, but
mostly my hands and arm, are sore, but I'll live. Maybe
it's the arthritis? I still don't know what my family
doctor thinks the cause of my arthritis is. The good mood
means either the medicine is finally starting to work
or I've figured it out. Realistically, it must be the
meds...can't get out of it that easily!
At
this point, maybe I could move forward and forget what
got me to this point, but thank God, no one else will
let me do that. It would be all too easy to tuck it all
in a compartment and essentially bury the memories and
how I felt and why I got to the point of checking out.
I've always been able to compartmentalize everything else
in my life, but the lake is what happened when I did that.
It bothers me that I could be and continue to be callous,
somewhat, about my life.
I
have to stay here for me, but I also have the responsibility
not to give up too easily. The risk of serious consequences
to my children is too grave to leave life. Guess that
means I have to face up to the other stuff. Maybe
it won't be so bad or maybe it will hurt like hell. Maybe
hurt is a more honest emotion than not being able to feel
the love.
I
know the cynic is me is alive and kicking right next to
the cock-eyed optimist. The cynic says the professionals
are paid to care, your husband doesn't know what to do
without you around. The optimist says there are special
people in this world who have a gift of healing both physically
and mentally, that Dh would be grief-stricken without
his life-partner.
Sometimes
I can't help listening to the cynic, sometimes the optimist
is thundering. Sometimes I just want to listen to my heart
voice and ignore the chorus. I've always marched to my
own drum and fife. Sometimes with a group, oftentimes
in circles around everyone else - to a rhythm that no
one but me could hear and feel. I think it makes me lonely
at times and at times, I just don't know how to fit in.
Something
in me changed this year. I don't know if it was good or
bad. I'd say bad because I was ready to drive my car into
the lake and drown myself (God, that's stark) or good
because I need to make some healthy and positive changes
or I'll be lost to myself forever. I want to find me...
I don't want the mirror to shatter so that it cannot be
put back together. I guess I'm like the engineer who sees
the cracks in the dam and says, "We have to do something
about it now rather than later. (my therapist made this
analogy)
DIFFICULT
TRUTHS ARE HARD TO FACE!
I
almost feel like I did a before all this happened when
I said, "I don't feel depressed." Is that the meds or
the stage when you start getting better, but aren't really?
The suicide plan followed that pretty quickly and it's
bad enough to admit that I looked at my sleeping pills
and shook them tonight. It would be so easy to take the
whole thing because then I would sleep, but OMG!! The
logical part of me says, "This does not make sense." What
if I get to feeling better and do it anyway? A big part
of me does not want this and does not even consider it
a choice! What in the hell is wrong with me???????? This
could put me back in the hospital which is not where I
want to be. Got to keep thinking," Getting better," and
praying. Last night I connected with something I felt
a few weeks back. It was fleeting, but at least I know
it's there to be found. Got to get out of this place!!
I'M
SCARED OF ME SOMETIMES
Sometimes
I really dislike myself. I feel so defective these days.
I must have slept a little more last night, but I feel
as though I was in twilight—not really awake, but
not really asleep and I did that for THREE hours. Would
I leave a note? I don't think so. This is a demon I'm
fighting and I feel like I'm losing today. What a difference
time makes—guess I really haven't figured it out.
Mentally and physically I'm feeling very bad. It's time
to call my therapist. I am scared!!! I don't know what
will happen, but I can't do this on my own anymore today.
Well
I found out what happens when things get really bad. "A"
scheduled me in for this afternoon. He suggested several
things. One is that I am to make a list of ten things
I can do for myself that make me feel good and do at least
one of them everyday. He also recommended a book called
Feeling
Good by Dr. David Burns. I picked up Feeling Good
and a couple of other fictional books that look easy and
straight-forward. Easy is probably a good thing since
I cannot concentrate too well.
Here's
my list:
1.
Reading a book with no interruptions.
2. Cooking or baking without all the cleanup.
3. Eating chocolate.
4. Playing guitar and singing.
5. Watching movies with the kids.
6. Decorating for the holidays.
7. Cross-stitching
That's
it so far. My homework is to read the first three chapters
of Feeling
Good, so I started doing that tonight. It has a checklist
in it called the Burn's Depression Checklist. I took that
and scored it. My score was 70! That puts me at severe
depression. Yikes!!!! What comes next???
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