Entry #16
~ Patterns
I
want to come back to something I related in my last journal.
That is the person I dated before I met my now-husband.
Some of what we discussed during my session pushed itself
out of my memory. I was only 18 when I met him and still
a virgin. I was interested and curious about sex. I love
my parents, but it was never something they were comfortable
talking about beyond biology, and that was scanty too.
He was definitely more experienced than I was in sex and
a couple of times he almost forced himself on me. Thankfully,
it never got to rape. It makes me very uncomfortable to
remember those events and it has been 18 almost 19 years
now. I'm comforted by the fact that my brothers and family
never liked him. He ended up marrying my high school friend
and later college roommate. I still don't like him! It
wasn't something I invited, but it's interesting to me
that I feel guilty about what happened. I didn't realize
that just kissing passionately could make someone so horny—not
in my inexperience—or what it could lead to. It's
scary to recall. I thought I had buried it pretty deeply
as irrelevant. In discussing it with "A," he
said to me that I have the right to decide if, when, and
where sex will happen or not. That if I say, "No!" then
that is to be respected. I understand, but no one has
ever said it to me quite this way. I have a right to say
"no."
My
sister-in-law called me today. She is married to Dh's
brother. She's ten years younger than I am, but we get
along very well and always have. It's been a bit of a
joke between us because they have had their children only
a few months after each of ours, so my in-laws went from
zero to six grandchildren over six years. The difference
is that two of their three children are special-needs
children. Their oldest has aspects of PDD which is sometimes
called an autism-spectrum disorder. He has very few words
at five. Their second child is speech-delayed as well.
They have had quite a time getting the services they needed
for their children, but they finally did it when they
moved back out west from Texas. My oldest had his own
problems and some of them were bad, but nothing has approached
what she has dealt with all these years.
Our
husbands share a similar upbringing in that it was quite
abusive for a time. After their parents divorced and their
mother remarried, her second husband was abusive. He yelled
at and hit them. Dh has not talked too much about that
time other than in general terms. I've often wondered
if some of the way he reacts to our kids comes from that
time because I've never heard his father talk like that
to his adult children or our kids the way Dh has at times.
My sister-in-law is having trouble in that department
as well. She says that her husband is yelling, being nasty,
cussing and that she cannot stand it anymore. She is ready
to walk out the door. She has also suffered from depression
in the past (probably is now), and interestingly enough,
has been in therapy several times. She told me she went
into the kitchen last night, saw her knives sitting there,
and thought about cutting her wrists so she doesn't have
to deal with the crap in her life anymore. I told her
not to. I urged her to call someone and tell them before
it got that far. It's weird how much our lives have mirrored
each other at times!
I
don't have much in the way of emotion right now. She was
almost close to tears, but all I could feel was extreme
sympathy. Normally, I would have been crying too. I KNOW
how she feels. I was at that very low point, and the suicidal
thoughts have not gone away yet. In talking to her, I
got a sense of patterns. Much of what has been happening
in my home is happening in hers. Our husbands react the
same way and in the same way.
That
brings me back to something my therapist discussed recently.
We talked about name-calling. Two of the ones I remembered
after that initial session were Miss Goody Two Shoes and
Teacher's Pet. I have always pushed myself to the highest
standards yet I feel as though there are so many times
when I have underachieved. Why would I do that? Is it
because I've been afraid people wouldn't like me or like
me enough? Have I always felt inferior in some way? Are
these patterns of my life that have persisted into my
adult years like the patterns that have persisted into
my Dh's adulthood?
The
laughter is bubbling up, but I feel as though my mask
is firmly in place. The laughter is my mask. It fools
people into thinking I'm okay even when I'm not. I don't
feel tonight. Wish I did because it would make life easier
- better maybe. If hurting myself means not feeling
or trying to feel, then the alternative of letting it
all out has to be better/more healthy. I'm still pushing
people away. I don't even want to be sociable - this is
something I've always been able to do even when I wasn't
in the mood. I feel blocked, but I don't know by what.
Surely, I must, somewhere inside. The thing that
has gotten me here must have an answer, yet I don't want
to see it. Maybe I think I'd fall apart if I did and that
I cannot/do not want to deal with. I know I will have
to at some point. This cannot be just my brain chemicals
out of whack. I wouldn't have given up over brain chemicals...I'm
stronger than that even if I'm a mush when things are
right or normal, for me at least.
Just
a final note...I am still not sleeping well. Even with
the medication I was given (and it is supposed to be a
temporary medication), I still have trouble sleeping or
I wake up early. Until I start sleeping better, I'm going
to take something at bedtime. Lack of sleep makes me feel
anxious and moody. I never thought I'd have a problem
sleeping. At one time, staying awake was a lot harder.
:-)
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