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Exploring Womanhood > Journals > Life on a Slippery Slope > Entries
Entry #15
~ Event Horizon
Why
do I feel like I'm on the event horizon of a black hole
about to be sucked in, but pulled apart molecule by molecule
over eons? Suicide would be fast by comparison, but that
isn't an option either. Okay, if I'm home and "stabilized,"
why do I still feel suicidal? It is hard for me to go
out anyplace, which is difficult because I have a delivery
job that requires me to be out and about. My anxiety flies
so high. At the grocery store, I've taken to using the
automated lines just to avoid having to smile and make
nice with the cashier. I was given Ativan at the hospital
for anxiety. I have managed not to use it too often, which
another patient warned me about, but I have used it a
few times lately just to get me over the hump when I feel
like I just cannot do it anymore. I even got out my handweights
and exercised for a half hour which seemed to help too.
I
have been very worried about my bond with the baby. I
can look back over several months and I know this has
been going on for awhile. I think it has affected him
in some ways. Until my thyroid started getting treated,
I was so tired all the time. Poor little guy!!! Today,
I smiled at him because I was happy for about a minute.
He flashed me one of his huge grins. Then, the good mood
left just as suddenly as it came, and when I stopped smiling,
he got real sad and touched my face as if to say, "Where
did your smile go, Mommy?"
When
I saw my therapist this week, I was pretty mad when I
came into the office. I had just left the house after
having an argument with my husband about something not
being cleaned enough to his satisfaction. It's all I've
heard since I decided to stay home with the kids while
they are little. The house is never clean enough for him
as though all I have time to do all day is clean the house.
Any stay-at-home mom will tell you there are so many other
important things to worry about. "A" made a
comment about how this was the most energized he had seen
me yet.
What
followed was "interesting." My therapist kept on going
on about this issue and I wondered when he would get off
the topic already. Most of the time when Dh and I argue,
I've learned to do what my mother suggested a long time
ago: Give in. She's always said, "THEY (meaning men) always
have to have the last word." "A" asked me a
lot of questions about our interactions—how Dh and
I have carried on in fights.
When
we first got married, Dh would get really mad and throw
the word "divorce!" at me. I have always hated that because
he doesn't seem to really mean it, but how am I to know?
It usually shuts me right down. I can remember one night,
vividly, when he got really mad at me and threw a plate
of fried chicken at my head. A few times I've been pushed
around, but I've never actually been hit.
I
also related an episode I remember from dating, that some
of "A's" questions from the previous couple
of sessions pushed up out of my mind. The person I dated
before Dh was quite experienced in comparison to me. A
couple of times, he came pretty close to pushing himself
on me in a way I did not want. That was quite scary at
the time.
I
am still at the very beginning of therapy. Since I have
never done this before, I don't know what comes next,
but I am in this for the long haul! My therapist did comment
today that he is glad I am learning to trust him and open
up more. He said he has sensed that I was holding something
back in previous sessions. It's hard for me to trust other
people, but I guess I have to if I'm going to work on
the things that have gotten me to this point in my life.
ENDNOTES:
Met
the "interim" psychiatrist to get my meds taken care of
until I see the person who will be managing my meds next
month. Another Dr. F. He seems nice enough, but I don't
think he does much therapy. I was not inspired to share
a whole lot with him. I was put off by him not knowing
how to say my therapist's name correctly. There is a preponderance
of certain kinds of names around here and they are in
the SAME agency! I got what I needed which is about all
I can say. My Prozac has been increased to 20 mg from
the 10 mg I started at.
It
is also taking a LONG time, to me, to start feeling better.
I know it's only been a few weeks, but I have been strongly
encouraged to keep taking my antidepressant meds as well
as the med I was given for help in sleeping. I'm STILL
having a lot of trouble in that department. I've never
heard about this particular aspect of depression.
Here
is a really good link to some information on depression
that I have found useful. Look under depression symptoms
for a VERY comprehensive list of how you MIGHT feel with
depression. I don't have every symptom on the list, but
it explains in a non-clinical way how you MIGHT feel with
depression.
Wing
of Madness
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