Entry #14
~ A step at a time
Will
I ever get past this point in my life? Will I ever feel
like a normal person? Will I ever want to be around people
again? Will I ever feel comfortable around people again?
Why do I feel like I'm sitting on the event horizon of
a black hole about to be sucked in, but pulled apart molecule
by molecule over eons? Suicide would be fast by comparison,
but that isn't an option either. Why is it I can feel
angry or just mad or find humor in things and laugh, but
I don't feel and my empathy has gone away? God, it's scary
not to be in touch with that part of me. It's been like
a second skin for years.
I'm
not functioning well. I'm having trouble eating right
now and I'm feeling grouchy with the kids. I want to get
better, but I don't feel like there's been much improvement!
My therapist told me to call Emergency Services when he's
unavailable if I need someone to talk to, but I'm afraid.
I don't know what would happen if I called ES. My husband's
company has a place you can call for free that offers
therapists you can talk to. I don't know how that is better
than talking to someone face to face, but it's free. I
can try and see what happens.
My
conclusion: talking to someone face to face is so much
better.
The
psychiatrist I saw at the hospital on the day I was discharged
asked me about my dreams. There must be some merit to
that, so I'm writing down my dreams as they occur to see
if I can figure out what they mean for me. If they are
waking me up first thing in the morning, there MUST
be some reason.
Number
One:
I was at the hospital, but I'm not sure why I was there.
I did want to get away. I went out a side entrance with
an item and got around to the parking lot. While there,
I realize I am carrying a briefcase and I'm trying to
look ordinary like the doctors heading into the hospital.
However, I get to the car and realize the baby isn't there.
That's when I got upset in the dream and woke up.
My
analysis:
I am worried about my bonding with the baby right now.
I can look back over the past year and I know that things
have not been right for a long time. I've been especially
worried about the baby because he is very sensitive to
my moods and when I'm upset, feeling very low, he acts
that way too. The hospital is also a symbol of where I
was and what I am trying to do in getting better. I don't
want to be seen as sick.
Number
Two:
This was an X-Files type I've had before in various forms.
I have the role of Fox Mulder in this dream. I'm in search
of "what's out there." It's around the 4th of July and
I get word that something weird is going to happen. I
experience this as the experiencer and interviewer.
Anyway,
some people are riding motorbikes to a relative's house.
The men are parking on one side, the women on the other.
At least one of the people who lives in the house has
gone to bed. It's close to dusk and I head down a road
past this home where there are the reddish mercury/sodium?
type lamps.
Down
the road, which goes off into nowhere, I see a bright
light (looks like a flying tank) coming from the right
and moving left. Then I see a big shaft of light and more
flying tanks coming out of the sky. As the experiencer,
I get very scared, turn the car around, and start trying
to get away.
I
realize I'm not going to get away, so by now it's pitch-black,
the stars are out, and I stop the car and start running.
I see a mothership and aliens and run into prickle bushes
and lay on my stomach not daring to move; hopefully, they
won't find me. Of course they do, and when they do, it
feels like my back is literally on fire, the light is
so bright. I won't open my eyes in the dream because I'm
so scared.
Then,
there's a break in time and I'm driving to get away. I
am going slowly past these farms around 4 am (summertime
when it gets light early). I moo out the window at some
cows and they TALK back to me. I feel threatened and scared
and think I must be imagining things as they turn to look
at me. I stop at this old farmhouse and it happens again.
The cows, pigs, ducks, etc. that "talk" to me have animal
cadences, but sound understandable. The cows and pigs
pushed themselves upright on the fence to talk.
A
little later I'm in the house where the woman tells me
it was okay to come in and expresses no amazement when
I tell her I heard the animals talk. "I know," she says.
She's nervous about some interview she has to go to. The
house has old yellowed wallpaper and dark-brown wood.
There were dishes in the sink and small children, but
I didn't have much to do with them.
My
analysis:
Lots of stuff here to think about. I have read that aliens
in a dream are aspects of ourselves we don't want to look
at. That would explain why I was so afraid. Jumping in
the prickle bushes, but not feeling that pain is what
I've been doing for awhile. (This is one of the things
my therapist pointed out to me later on) I'm not sure
what the animals signify yet. I'm pretty sure the woman
in the dream is me and maybe the colors I remember from
the dream are how I see my life right now.
Seems
like I have ages to go before I see my therapist again
and I am so anxious. It's like that feeling you get before
you perform a solo in front of a lot of people. Except
this is worse, because it keeps on going. I tried exercising
with my handweights for about a half hour which actually
seemed to help. Of course, I took my anxiety meds which
helped. :-)
My
sister-in-law called me this week. We have a pretty good
relationship even though there are ten years between us.
Dh's brother and his wife have three kids like us. They
have had each of their children a few months after we've
had each one of ours. We laugh about it sometimes. I'm
terribly worried about my SIL. Two of their children are
special-needs and apparently she has been also having
some trouble in their marriage. Dh's upbringing has some
rough periods of time: an abusive stepfather is the biggest
issue from that time. That has caused some problems for
us and it is causing some problems in theirs.
My
SIL expressed some suicidal thoughts. She was almost crying
and all I could feel was sympathy, but not emotion. I
DO KNOW how she feels. I did urge her to talk to her doctor
and hope that she'll follow through. She has suffered
from depression and been in therapy before, so it doesn't
seem weird to talk to her about what I'm going through.
In fact, she told me that she thought how wonderful it
was that I had gotten a "vacation" when I went into the
hospital. I don't know if it was that, but I needed the
time not to think about anyone but me.
I
guess life is a series of patterns. The things we learn
as a child keep coming up when we are adults. The abuse
that Dh and his brother and sister suffered at the hands
of a stepfather are still there. They are expressed in
how Dh reacts to the children sometimes or the way BIL
reacts to my SIL and their children sometimes. It goes
back to what A asked me at my first interview. It makes
me wonder what I might find.
Final
point for now about normalcy:
Normal
would be feeling love for my children, Dh, and hence,
me. I want those feelings of love back. I know I've had
them before. They are capped under something like a dam.
What am I afraid of? Feeling love would mean feeling hurt.
I'd take BOTH just to get the love back.
Killing myself will not solve the problem! Guess I better
find another solution.
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