Entry #12
~ Making a New Beginning
You
know how some days you wake up and you wonder how a day
will turn out? I was due to go through intake for my therapy
in the evening. I also had an appointment scheduled with
my family doctor for the afternoon... the two-week appointment
I had made the afternoon the day before I went to the
the hospital. Well, my day began crazily and ended that
way as well.
My
two older children have had problems with colds settling
into the chest and getting very wheezy and nasty. In the
past year or so, it has evolved into asthma. Both of them
were hacking and coughing badly in the morning, so I called
the pediatrician's office and got of them in to be seen.
Sure enough, I brought them home and I had to put both
on an asthma protocol. In addition, the baby is cranky,
coughing like them, and not sleeping well. In order to
sleep last night, I had to take my sleeping pill and I
still did not sleep all the way through the night.
I
got the children taken care of and then I had to go in
for my afternoon appointment with my doctor. I think he
was still pretty concerned and surprised that I had progressed
so far in what was only a day between seeing him and going
into the hospital. I thought I had told him how I felt,
but maybe I underplayed it a bit. What I now recognize,
after my time in the hospital and after doing some reading
on depression and suicide, is that he made a safety contract
with me. I promised to call if the suicidal urges and
compulsions came on and I did. He was glad to hear that
I had been set up with a therapist locally and told me
that it was chance to remake myself into a better person.
I wonder what he was thinking when I came in for my appointment?
I guess I'll wonder about that for awhile.
I
was nervous all afternoon. I had no idea about what to
expect for my intake appointment. So, as the afternoon
progressed, I had a hard time sitting still. Dh came home
from work and I headed up the street. Fortunately, we
live close enough to the center of town, that I can walk
if I want. It's been cold, so I drove.
As
expected, I was given some paperwork to fill out, shown
the fees, and sat down to wait in the waiting room. I
heard someone come down the steps, then a tall man came
into the room and asked me to come upstairs to his office.
He introduced himself and explained what we would be doing
for the appointment. A then started asking me a series
of questions - similar to what I had answered at the hospital,
but this was more about family dynamics—things that
had happened in my life. Had I ever been called names?
A question about sexual abuse came up the middle of the
interview. Had I ever been hit by anyone? He asked me
if I had ever been in therapy before and was very surprised
to hear that this is my first time.
I
answered as truthfully as I could, but I did hold back
some. I wasn't sure if I would be seeing this person again
or if he was the person who did the interview before sending
me on to a therapist. Who knows how these things work?
I told him what kind of day I had and mentioned at one
point that I feel better in the afternoon and evening,
than I do in the morning. The time went by fast surprisingly.
He gave me some "homework." I was to write down, twice
a day, my mood on a scale of 1 to 10. One would be the
worst I've ever felt and 10 the best. At the end of it,
knowing that I only had a 15-day supply of meds, he came
down with me to the checkout desk and told them I needed
to meet with J, the Physician's Assistant, to go over
my medications and make sure I did not run out. Turns
out, she did not have an appointment available for six
weeks, so I was set up to meet with Dr. F, one of the
psychiatrists in the practice, in about ten days and to
see J at the end of next month. I am scheduled to see
A again next week.
I
came home feeling let down in some ways. I guess I didn't
know what to expect, but I also allowed that this is a
new process for me. I'm not sure what is next or how the
process works, but it is time for me to get started. In
some ways, I am anxious for this to work because I want
my feelings back—not just laughter, but also my tears
and love. I feel so void at times.
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