Happy Birthday, Mom
February 5th is my mother's birthday. I don't even want to calculate how old she would be. I guess she would be somewhere in her early sixties - young enough to be a vibrant grandparent. A friend of mine asked me the other day, if my relationship was good with my mother. I guess it wasn't when I was a teenager. I felt very controlled and confined. I loved college because it gave me freedom. I never wanted to be at "home." I had gone away and made a new one all of my own. Mom died a year after I finished college. I was just getting to know her again. I feel as though so many things were left unfinished. I mourn the loss of her becoming a friend and mother, as I find my way through motherhood.

In a Fog
He deteriorated so fast. I went from calling every afternoon with lively discussions about life and the kids throughout January, to a February filled with scattered thoughts and sleeping while holding the phone. Those early discussions will be held dearly in my memory. The last few have faded away. It was so awful to watch, or in my case, hear. The twins were too young to just leave with a sitter and too difficult to keep quiet and happy at the hospice unit. It was a difficult time all around.

Sunshine
I have a window of sunshine in the distance. Only two days after Dad's anniversary, we leave on a vacation - to sunny skies and warm weather. I hope the sun, sand, and water will wash away the sadness. It has been a difficult two months trying to remember the good, and not the sad endings of my parents' stories. I have been sucked into the gloom more often than I would have liked. The snowfall is just endless here and the sun hardly gets a chance to shine. A vacation will be good. I think I need to find that raft again.