• To be calm
• To accept
• To be thin
• To love myself
• To honor my parents

To be calm

In yoga, one is to strive to "live in the moment" as my teacher said. The worries of the past or for the future have no place. One is to focus on the now and find peace.

I often find my pulse quickened, my jaw tense, and my face a portrait of frustration. I am often looking for whom to blame for this. This year, I resolve to find this calm I have glimpsed in yoga class. No room for blame, just peace radiating from within, as if I were floating on that raft in the pool last summer. The waves can rock and threaten to knock me over, but I will simply float and overcome.

To accept

I often find myself awake at night with worries. The most troubling and hardest to shake off are ones that involve other things or people that I cannot control.

I worry not that my house is messy, but that people will judge me to be a bad mother or wife because clutter just finds our house. I have often tried to be that perfect housekeeper, but it is a full time job that I find tedious. I would rather spend my time playing with the kids, sewing, writing, or reading. I have many a memory of cleaning the house as a child and teenager. I will not have this for my children.

Accept means that I should stand tall in my beliefs, even if there is clutter at my feet.

Remember - I should be myself and not let other's opinions knock me off that raft of calmness.

To be thin

This should explain itself quite nicely. That pouch leftover from the twins is still there. I will eat right; try to exercise (even if holding two wiggly twenty pound weights in my arms.) I will think thin thoughts instead of eating that candy my brother gave us for Christmas.

Remember - I am a thin mommy floating on a raft of calmness.

To love myself

This is another biggie for me to work on. Not being raised with any praise or a lot of "I love you's" being said, my self-esteem is always pretty low. I am entering a pretty dim part of the year as well with my parents dying in January and February. It will be a pretty difficult job to keep my head up and feel good inside. A ripe time to doubt, belittle and blame myself for the frustrations in my life.

My husband has taken up the cause to raise this esteem within me. He has made a deal for me to say that I am a wonderful person, or something to that effect at least once a day. If I say that I am a bad mom, or similar put-downs, I need to back it up with three good thoughts about myself. He has really held me to it for about a month. So far, it seems to be working. I hope I can keep it up. I know I am doing it on the outside, but I'm not so sure I believe it deep down on the inside - yet. Hopefully that will come with practice.

Remember - I am a thin mommy lying on a raft and am a great a person on the inside too!

To honor Mom and Dad

I know my parents were humans, capable of mistakes. I know I let them down in many ways. I will never hear the words from them "I am proud of you." I will never see them hold my kids ever again. I will never live up to their hopes for me being a model Catholic with a matching family. Maybe I have failed to fulfill their dreams for me.

I cannot let myself believe that. I have to be me. Bob and Dolores's daughter is a good person. I cannot dwell on their loss or my "failures" to them. I will honor their lives and respect their beliefs. I may not follow in their footsteps, but I hope I have learned enough from them to choose another good path. There are so many choices in this world, I am sure I will find one that suits me.

Now my journey is beginning and Paul, Kate, Aimee, and Mandy are with me. We will live our lives to our best. I will no longer try to answer those questions that plague me at night. I will sleep, with my husband beside me, hoping to live that dream of tranquility - of enjoying life happen, instead of trying to control it. It will be a good goal to work towards.