In some ways, I dread the upcoming holidays. The tinsel and lights, no matter how grand and beautiful, will never completely fill the howling emptiness left in part of my heart. The memories seem so fresh.

Dad playing with the girls last Thanksgiving

The taste of his sweet, delicious apple pie

Seeing him on Christmas day, withered and sick, unable to play

Knowing it would be his last holidays

Kate's last kiss she left on his cheek when he was in the hospice unit - dying

My parents loved the holidays. We always went all-out with decorations, food, and presents. Everywhere you looked, the house was beautifully decorated. Mom always made something new to decorate the house with each year. Her final masterpiece was an "angel tree." She decorated the fancy, living room tree with handmade angels in flowing gowns. I inherited a few of these, but cannot bring myself to take them out of the box that my father lovingly packed them in. Maybe by the time I put up the tree, I can be ready, then again, maybe next year. Those memories, although seven years old, still feel so fresh.

Me - The Memory Maker

Now it's my turn to create those wonderful Christmas memories. I am trying my best, working lots of overtime, and trying to enjoy the excitement all around me.

Surprisingly, I am. I try to keep focused on the kids' excitement. There are moments, unwrapping carefully wrapped decorations I recently inherited, that tears come, but they seem to pass quickly. I am surprised at how much I have taken out and set up with dry eyes. Maybe that hand is on my shoulder again, telling me to enjoy this while my daughters are young.

That hand was there when I sewed my first bear since Mom died. I used her pattern, followed her directions and made a sweet, floppy little guy that seems to reach out and beg for a hug. It was there when I made the second with surprising ease, for my nephew, her first grandson. This is his first Christmas. In some ways, it's mine too.

The First "real" Christmas - the joys of being three years old.

Kate has made her list for Santa. She won't sit on his lap, doesn't like the lifelike figures of him, and I am beginning to think that the monster that haunts her closet might resemble him too!

She is, however, thrilled to set up the tree, "Can we set it up NOW, Mommy?" She can't wait to make Christmas cookies and has supervised the decorating outside the house as well. We need more lights, apparently. She is surprisingly selfless when asking for gifts, asking for things for her baby dolls, and hardly greedy at all when browsing for toys at the store for her cousins. What a joy to experience Christmas through her. Maybe this will be a better Christmas than I thought!