I just don't seem to fit any more. I feel lost in my own family. I feel alone.

I see my family once a month if I am lucky. I usually talk to someone in it once a week or so. When we finally visit, though I see them talking, laughing, enjoying, but I always seem to be on the other side of a glass door - watching the stories and love being exchanged, but not really a part of it. I wish I could figure out why and fix it.

Is it because I'm busy with the kids, cleaning up, or serving? Is it because I feel no one can really relate to my life? Nobody has three kids, much less twins or even girls. I haven't lived in my hometown for twelve years. I live an hour away. Is this distance a good excuse for emotional distance as well? They all have careers, jobs, so me being at home is inconceivable to them. They look at me with serious faces " I don't know how you do it."

If I had a nickel for each time I have heard that phrase. I don't think I have taken the girls anywhere yet that I haven't heard that or even better. "You've got your hands full." I just found myself responding in a new way to that one yesterday. I simply held my hands out and gave them a blank look. It's not that people mean badly by these and even more naïve remarks. I just wish that they would see the positive side instead. What I would give to just hear "Wow! What a blessing! Three wonderful girls!!" When all my family can do is echo the negatives I hear every day - I feel greatly let down. My girls are wonderful. I wish they would take the time to know them and really see that.

We have an open schedule. Usually the weekend isn't decided until it's upon us. I have always said this to my family and "hey, when you have some time, let us know, we'll get together." Rarely are we ever called to do so.

Maybe this goes back to something even more basic - Unconditional love and acceptance. Brothers and sisters nit-pick and criticize. I guess it would be highly unusual for us to just support each other and not speculate at better choices the other could have made. Parents are supposed to give that support. Now that ours are gone, we have to find it elsewhere. Our spouses and their parents seem to be the next logical place to go. I guess that explains why each of us seem closer to our in-laws than to each other

Maybe this lapse also comes from me being the only girl. My three older brothers just don't seem to need to talk about this stuff. Maybe it is a guy thing. If we share a beer together, then, you are okay in my book. My sisters in law are busy enough in their own families. They don't need to worry about ours. We created this gap, now it is ours to fill or let the distance grow endlessly.

I miss my parents each day. I long for their support and understanding. I would imagine that my brothers feel similarly. I hope this can ultimately bring us together instead of scattering us apart.

We have an upcoming trip, and miraculously, all of my brothers are coming with their families. We've rented a whole house and are spending a week together. I hope it goes well. Maybe my questions will be answered. I hope it's not asking too much to try to fill the hole we are digging. I'll bring my sand shovels. I plan on trying..

Addendum
Dig, dig ,dig

So far so good! We all made it through the week together! I think my parents would be proud of us all going on vacation together. I felt them smiling at me when I took a moment to relax and clear my mind of the stress any vacation will cause. My hopes were fulfilled. We talked, relaxed and connected again. It was wonderful. Most of us had a wonderful time. Aimee came home with two new teeth.

We realize the distance now is not just the drive. We seem to become more committed to being a part of each other's lives. We're starting to fill the hole we've unconsciously dug for ourselves. Keep shoveling guys, we're getting there!!