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Entry #11 ~ September 7, 2002
~ Nursing in public

Dear Charon,

Nursing in public has always been an issue for me, for some reason. I'm not sure why. I truly believe that women should be able to nurse whenever their baby wants to, wherever they are. We don't expect people to hide when they give babies bottles; why should a nursing pair be confined to a private area? But I've always been shy about it. During your second year, I began to really work on feeling more comfortable about nursing you anytime, anywhere.

It was an odd time to get more courageous about this. I wondered at myself, finally trying to overcome my modesty at a time when others might be more uncomfortable with seeing you nursing. You were a toddler now. I'd heard people (even in our family) say things like, "When they can bring you the stool to tell you they're ready to nurse, it's time to wean," or, "When they can ask for it, it's time to quit," or, "Everyone I know who has nursed has cut them off once they have teeth. Who needs to be a martyr?" Not to mention the blessings from people when we reached the one-year mark, telling me I'd done my duty. I knew I was already surprising people with the fact that we were continuing; I really didn't want to shock them now by suddenly nursing my walking, talking, toothy-grinned toddler in front of them.

But I needed to get over this. I was so tired of trying to find someplace semi-private to nurse you when we were out and about. You still nursed pretty consistently, about every two hours, and you weren't ready yet to accept the numerous distractions I dreamed up. I remember going to the mall once, and nursing in the women's lounge. I was fine until people started coming in and out. I thought, "This is silly! If I'm looking like I'm uncomfortable about this, people who don't like to see it are going to think it is something embarrassing to the mother, that it should be hidden." I got up the courage to smile at the next woman that came in. She smiled back. She did her makeup at the mirror for a bit, and then turned to me. "I'm so glad to see you nursing," she said. "I nursed all of my children, and I have wonderful memories of it." She beamed at me.

This experience made me wonder why I expected negative reactions from strangers. Maybe if I just assumed people would see it in a positive light, I'd be less shy about it. I began to nurse you at our local bookstore. They had a story time there each week, and afterwards, we'd browse the shelves and then have lunch. Often, it was too long an outing for you to go without nursing, so I'd find a quiet corner, and we'd settle down to nurse. Whenever someone came by, I smiled, and pictured them saying, "I'm so glad to see you nursing." I didn't get any more positive comments, but I never heard any negative ones, either.

I had always been fairly comfortable nursing you in front of people who were vocal about their support. I was much more shy around people when I didn't know how they felt about it. I didn't want to make them uncomfortable. By the time you turned one, I thought, "Well, how are people ever going to get comfortable with it if they don't see it?" I wondered why I was giving their feelings (or the feelings I imagined for them) more power than yours or my own.

I remember going to the zoo with you the summer you turned one, and seeing a mother taking a break with her toddler to nurse on a bench. I thought they looked beautiful - so peaceful and happy and natural, really. They were in their own world, but participating in the larger one, too. The mother didn't look like she needed anyone to tell her that what she was doing was okay. It just was okay. "That's what I want us to look like," I thought.

I'd also met other nursing moms at this point, and watched the way they interacted with their babies while nursing. It really is an incredible thing! The relationship becomes so smooth, so interconnected, as the baby gets older. Baby moves to mama, and mama responds by drawing baby close. Both are calm and content throughout the process.

At Christmastime, we visited Pete's side of the family for a couple of days. Pete's parents had told me when you were born that I could always nurse in front of them. But I never knew the feelings of my brothers- and sisters-in-law, so, when they were there, I would move to a back bedroom when you needed to nurse. I had discussed this with Pete, and we agreed that you preferred some "time out" from all of the commotion of a family gathering.

But by this time, I was tired of missing out on conversation and company. We were just with immediate family here, so I really wanted to feel comfortable; but I was also concerned that, since you were older now, maybe others would be even less comfortable than when you were a baby. I wished now that I had stayed in the room to nurse you from the time you were born.

At your nap time, I did go into another room for our nursing session so that you could settle down and fall asleep. Soon, my brother-in-law walked into the room, and I could tell he thought I'd be embarrassed about it. I decided that I didn't want people to think I was uncomfortable. Enough was enough. I nursed you in front of the others for the rest of our visit, finding a comfortable chair a bit out of the way, and nursing you very discretely, but staying put. Once I decided I was fine about it, everyone else seemed to be fine with it, too.

Michelle, my neighbor and now friend, was a great help to me during this time. We had gotten to know her and her little boy gradually during your first year. She gave birth to another baby boy just after you turned one. It was great to see how their nursing relationship developed. She never appeared embarrassed to nurse him when we'd go places. Watching her made me think about what I'll do if I have another child. I don't think I'll have as much time to be shy or to worry about what others think. Also, having been through it once, I know I'll have a lot more confidence than I did this first time. But most importantly, I want to model to you that I think breastfeeding is an important and natural part of being a mother, and that there's no reason to hide it.

As we neared the end of your second year, though, I would sometimes question whether I should be nursing you in public anymore. Michelle was always supportive. "You're fine," she'd assure me. "If someone's offended, it's their problem, not yours. It's not like you're trying to flash people! You're doing the right thing, something that's perfectly natural. Sometimes they just really need to nurse." Once, the summer you were turning two, we all went to a coffee shop together. At this point, you were pretty good at waiting to nurse until we got home. For some reason, today was different. You weren't going anywhere until you had a chance to nurse. Michelle told me to go for it. "She's so old now," I said, "and I wonder what people think." "Who cares!" she replied. "Don't worry about anyone else. Just do what's right for you and Charon." What a wonderful friend.

More to come!

Love,
Mom

Click here to see a photo of me boldly nursing you in front of the camera! You had recently turned two years old.