Exploring Womanhood is pleased to present a very special journal . . . Growing Together: A Journal From Mother to Daughter. When a baby is born, so is a parent. In this journal, Caryl writes to her daughter Charon, sharing her thoughts and feelings about motherhood and raising a daughter.
Introduction . . . October 2001
~ The Idea of You
Dear Charon,
I've been meaning to write a journal to you for a long time. You are a wonder, and I want to help you remember your wonderful childhood. I know I will often share these stories with you, but putting them down in writing, right now, while you are still very young, will help me to remember them. I also want to use this journal to show you how much you have helped me to learn and grow. There are many places I could start, but I think, in this first entry, I'll tell you about how the idea of you came to be.
Before we even tried to conceive, your daddy and I thought we had everything figured out. We thought it was important for a little one to have a parent at home with them for as long as possible. We wanted one of us to stay home with our child in their early years. We knew it would be good for the child, and good for the parent, too. We prepared for this, and we talked a lot about which of the two of us should stay home with you.
I loved my work. I was a teacher, in my eighth year, teaching English to seventh graders. I was finally feeling settled in the profession and in a school. I felt great about my job, not only because I loved it, but also because I felt like I was helping to "make the world a better place." Your dad worked in computers, and had recently taken a new position as a manager of computer software testers. He could take or leave his work. He was very good at it, and liked it well enough, but wasn't too attached to it. He always thought he'd love to stay home and raise his kids. So, on the face of it, it looked like having him stay home was the way to go. (We also thought it would be cool to thwart those traditional gender roles by having him be a "Mr. Mom." He liked to cook, too!)
There was just one problem. I wasn't ready to have a baby yet, and didn't know when I would be. I knew I wanted to have kids someday, and I knew that someday should probably be soon, since I was now in my early thirties. Pete was ready; he'd been ready for awhile, but he told me not to worry, that he could wait for me. He didn't want to rush me.
So, I tried to figure out what was making me wait. I was fearful when I thought about pregnancy and birth. "How can I do that to my body??" I cringed. I visualized a miserable nine months of feeling constantly sick and tired and just plain used. I pictured my body struggling with the effort of supporting another life. And then, there was the act of giving birth. Yikes. I didn't think I could do that.
I've always been a wimp, but I've also always believed that with knowledge comes strength, so I decided to try to calm my fears by reading about it. I learned that a woman's body is made to handle pregnancy and birth, that it's a very natural process, and that it could actually be good for my body to go through this experience.
But even after all of the reading I did, I still wasn't ready, and I still didn't know why. I remember that year, stumbling into the door from teaching each night, with a bag or bags full of papers I wouldn't get around to grading until the weekend. I'd eat dinner with Pete in a half-awake state, and then collapse into bed to watch a bit of television or a video with him. I was often asleep by 8 p.m. I wondered how a baby would fit into this picture. Maybe that was the problem. I just couldn't picture having a baby.
Finally, Pete sat me down one night. (I'm sure it was a weekend, because I can remember the conversation.) He said, "This really cool mom I work with - you know Betsy - she told me that I should ask you something. She said I should ask if you want to stay home with the baby, instead of me. Even just for a year or something. Now, I told her we'd thought and talked about this a lot, and that I was pretty sure you really wanted to keep teaching, that you were pretty dedicated to it. But she kept insisting - 'Just ask her.' So, I'm asking. I'd be just fine with you staying home if you want to, you know that, right?"
A wave of relief came over me. (I'm not sure if I told Pete that right away, though. I probably said something like, "Hmm, I'll think about that.") I thought, How could I have been so stupid? How could I not have seen this as an option? I thought we had made the perfect plan, and I had been stubbornly clinging to it. I wasn't open to the changes that might happen in me once I became a mother.
Over the next month or so, I created a new picture in my head. I decided to view it the opposite way; instead of trying to work out how a baby would fit into my current life, I began thinking about how I'd want my life with my baby to look.
We could try to conceive this coming school year. I could take the following year off. I'd be comfortable having the baby in June, if it worked out that way, or anytime after that. After the first year, I could decide if I wanted to go back to work.
I pictured how you and I would spend that first year. I saw myself nursing you, playing with you, rocking you to sleep, singing you songs, and taking you to visit family and friends. I would be there to watch you grow. I would grow into motherhood with you.
I told Pete I was finally ready to be a mom. And I believe I became a mother the moment I made that decision. My life expanded to include you. From now on, you were in the picture.
I love you,
Mom
Journal Entries
Copyright © 2001 - 2003 Caryl Mousseaux. All rights reserved.
