The first step toward reclaiming passion after kids requires examining and re-working core beliefs about mothering and sexuality. Before you can have great sex again, you must believe that you are permitted to stay sexual as a responsible parent. You must believe that preserving your sexual energy is necessary. And you must believe that you are the best judge of what is sexually appropriate within your own bedroom.

Before kids, sexual privacy was a no-brainer. These days, the biggest sexual challenge of all may be logistical. Sexual privacy is the concealment and separation of adult intimacy from the world of children. In contrast, a sexual boundary is an imaginary circumference that demarcates the sexual aspect of the non-mommy self. It's a protective fence that surrounds an imaginary field where you can play safely.

The following list is designed to help parents establish both sexual boundaries and privacy:

1. A lock on the bedroom door. The earlier that kids learn to respect the privacy of the parental bedroom, the better, but it's never too late to get a locksmith out to the house.

2. A white-noise machine, loud humidifier, fan, radio or boombox that can be moved close to the door. You will be more relaxed.

3. An off switch on the bedroom phone. Use it.

4. Private space with a lock for storing anything you'd like your kids not to see (a file cabinet, tool box, or desk drawer works). Use it to squirrel away Great Sex for Moms, your diaphragm, a tube of lubricant, or anything else that you'd just as soon not explain.

5. A non-Mom, non-Dad set of sleeping wear. Remember the early days of courtship? You wouldn't have been caught dead in gray flannel, and it's time to bring intentionality back to the bedroom. We're all more likely to feel sexy when we look sexy.

6. One nice set of underclothes for each. Ditto.
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7. A reliable babysitter. Whether you want the sitter to take the kids to an afternoon Disney flick while you play at home, or just connect over a candlelight dinner, having time that you can depend on to be together is important to recharging your sex life.

8. A jar for loose change, designated to fund an occasional romantic adults-only evening or weekend at a hotel. You might even want to check into a neighborhood motel for a few passionate hours, and money from the change jar doesn't count against the budget.

9. Massage oil. More erotic touching leads to better sex, even though all erotic touching doesn't and shouldn't end in sex. Having massage oil on hand is just one way to raise the level of physical connection and affection. It helps you get out of the sex/not-sex dichotomy, and affection is ultimately sexy. Touching erotically even when there isn't the time or place to make love makes finding the time and place more likely.

10. Effective birth control any time you aren't intending to get pregnant. Hot sex and worry are mutually exclusive-be sure that your imaginary playground is worry-free.

For more information, read Valerie Raskin's interview with our StorkNet Family members.

Valerie Davis Raskin, M.D.:
Named one of Chicago's 100 Women Making a Difference, Valerie Davis Raskin, M.D. is a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine. She also maintains a private practice specializing in women's reproductive and sexual emotional health in the Chicago area. She has taught and practiced psychiatry there for over fifteen years, including the University of Illinois at Chicago, Cook County Hospital, Michael Reese Medical Center, MacNeal Hospital, and the University of Chicago School of Medicine. She is the author of When Words Are Not Enough and lives with her family in the Chicago area.