Are you experiencing sexual dissatisfaction due to inablity to have an orgasm? Cathy and Anne explain how important it is to understand how our own bodies work.

Question: Our sex life is at a standstill...Literally! I can count on one hand how many times we have had sex in the last few months. We've been trying to get pregnant for the last year and a half with no success, so there is disappointment and stress there.

I've also never had an orgasm. Never! I will add here that I'm not that sexually experienced. My feeling right now is that if I cant have sex and get pregnant, and I can't have sex and have an orgasm, what's the point of it? I now have absolutely no interest in sex. I feel like I'm having sex to appease my husband and it's putting a major strain on things. My husband says that it doesn't bother him not to have sex- that he'd rather have me healthy and by his side than to ever have sex again. But he says that only to not upset me. Come on, he's a man!

We work on all other aspects of our marriage but this one is just not there right now and I desperately want to fix it. I love this man and I feel like we are headed for disaster without the intimacy, regardless of what he says about loving me otherwise.

Anne and Cathy: Of course your husband says it doesn't bother him not to have sex. You derive no pleasure from sex and only go through the motions out of a sense of duty--that would be a real libido-dampener for any caring partner. Dealing with infertility puts a huge strain on every couple's sex life, and we'd suggest you find a counselor who can help you discuss the issues it has raised for both of you (We assume you've already sought medical advice--if you haven't, you shouldn't hesitate to both get a fertility work-up).

But it sounds like your dissatisfaction with sex pre-dates your fertility issues. It also sounds like you are hoping for a fairy godmother to wave her magic wand and grant you desire and orgasms. Frankly, this isn't going to happen. If you truly want to learn how to have orgasms, you are going to have to take matters into your own hands--literally. You simply have to be willing to explore your own sexual anatomy and responses in order to learn what floats your boat. Until you experience sexual pleasure, you won't have any motivation to continue your partner sex life.

When you feel ready, touch your genitals, using a variety of caresses. If you aren't familiar with your genital anatomy, get out a hand mirror and take a good look at your vulva. If touching your vulva with your hands seems embarrassing or clinical to you, you can always try stimulating yourself with a silk scarf, a shower massager, or a vibrator. Or don't touch your genitals at all: You can experiment with Kegel exercises (squeezing your pelvic muscles in a rhythmic fashion) or deep breathing exercises. You might find that timing your breaths with pelvic rocking helps circulate sexual energy through your body. The important thing is to experiment with sensations, repeating the ones that feel especially good.

Try not to get too fixated on the orgasm or else "trying too hard" might kill your arousal. It's not unusual for it to take an hour of stimulation to bring you to the edge. If you find you're easily distracted, try reading some erotica or looking at a video to maintain your state of arousal. Take little breaks if you start to get frustrated. When you resume the stimulation you'll find your place again. If you find you get really aroused but are having difficulty letting go into an orgasm, reduce the intensity of your stimulation and build back up.

Whatever your experience, be patient and focus on what feels good to you. If you can enjoy the ride rather than focusing all your energy on the goal, you're bound to learn something about your own responses that will enhance your experience of sexual intimacy.

All this information and more can be found in the recently updated bestseller, The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, written by Anne Semans and Cathy Winks.

Questions were answered by authors Anne Semans and Cathy Winks, and were chosen from those suggested by our readers. Perhaps your oncern is one that is on every woman's mind! We invite you to read our review of The Mother's Guide to Sex, as well as additional reviews by our staff located here. A few words about the book from the authors can be read here. Enjoy!