"As you make your way
through a sexual lifetime, cultural attitudes about what it means
to be a woman and a mother are bound to influence or even inhibit
how you express yourself sexually. Let your experience be your
teacher, let your desires be your guide, and keep in mind that
both of these will be in constant flux throughout your life. Sometimes
you'll crave a three minute orgasm, sometimes you'll orchestrate
a three-hour symphony, and sometimes you'll want no genital activity
at all. What you yearn for today won't necessarily be what you
yearn for tomorrow, but each and every one of your desires has
something to teach you about who you are and who you're becoming"
- Anne Semans and Cathy Winks, authors of The
Mother's Guide to Sex
Exploring Womanhood's Intimacy Questions with Anne Semans & Cathy Winks
Authors of The Mother's Guide to Sex
Enjoying Your Sexuality Through All Stages of Motherhood
The dating game was hard enough years ago—what
has changed? Anything? Everything? Check what Anne and Cathy have to
say!
Question: I'm
42 and just now getting back into life after a very sad divorce. I hate
dating, I must say that right upfront. Men seem to expect something
so much sooner now than 20 years ago! Has everything changed? Or was
I just protected? Also, how do I know that a man has really gotten a
clean HIV test? Help... I need to know how it's all done now.
Anne and Cathy:
Welcome (back) to the world of dating. Once you've had a chance to heal
from your divorce, you might find that it's actually a bit easier than
it was twenty years ago. First, let's just admit—dating is scary!
It is now and it was when you started. It makes us vulnerable, forces
us to take stock of ourselves, and requires a certain amount of self-confidence
and self-assertion (qualities typically associated with men rather than
women). But the flip side is, dating can be great for your self-esteem,
can re-ignite a spark of desire you thought had long since expired and,
now that you're older, you've learned from past mistakes!
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As for men expecting
something sooner (and I assume you mean sex), this may be true, especially
if you compare it to our parents' generation. But look at why—the
women's movement and the sexual revolution have given women the freedom
to have sex on their own terms, which has resulted in more couples delaying
or foregoing marriage. Some folks want the sex, without all the trappings
of a commitment. Sure, there may be different expectations now, but
it doesn't mean you have to play by someone else's rules. You decide
what feels comfortable to you, and stick by it. If you want to get to
know someone really well before you get intimate, that's your right.
I've heard from lots of moms who re-enter the dating world and come
up with a "dating plan" (we'll Email before meeting, we'll date for
"x amount of time" before spending the night, we'll only have
sex at his house, etc.) Born out of necessity—these moms have to
think carefully about how they'll be introducing new adults into a house
with small kids, it actually can be a great tool for anyone who wants
to clarify what their approach to intimacy will be like.
If you're trying
to meet people, begin with the obvious—friends. Let them know you're
interested in being fixed up. Again, you can spell out the circumstances
you'd feel most comfortable with (a blind date, coffee, a dinner at
the friend's house, etc.). And one of the great dating resources today
(which wasn't around twenty years ago) is the Internet. Sites like Match.com
and Nerve.com attract millions of people across the world, and you can
look at individual profiles based on criteria you set (geographic, age,
interests, etc.). It's very convenient—you can surf at night when
the kids are in bed, and it's totally anonymous until you choose to
take it to the next step. It may feel like a needle in a haystack, but
it can be a great way to focus your search and really think about what
you want in a partner.
As for the HIV tests.
You can't know for sure if someone is telling the truth unless you see
the results, or take the test together. But there are lots of ways to
play safely until you're ready to take that step—use condoms, limit
your exchange of bodily fluids, and explore alternatives to intercourse.
Good luck!
All
this information and more can be found in the recently updated bestseller,
The
Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, written by Anne Semans and Cathy
Winks.
Questions were answered by authors Anne Semans and Cathy Winks,
and were chosen from those suggested by our readers. Perhaps your oncern
is one that is on every woman's mind! We invite you to read our
review of The
Mother's Guide to Sex, as well as additional reviews by our
staff located here.
A few words about the book from the authors can
be read here. Enjoy!
