Domestic Violence Discussion
with Jennifer Landhuis
9. Question: - I read articles on abuse and I believe my sister to be in an abusive relationship with her husband. My sister was always a go-getter, graduated from high school and college with a degree and she married. Now she has 5 kids; the husband always gives excuses as to why he can't maintain a stable job. They moved 4 times that I know of. They lived in a motel that my parents paid 20K to keep them in. My parents got a house for them, which only lasted a year because her husband never paid the rent and my parents paid for it every month along with their own rent. Now the house will be taken away from them because my parents could simply not continue paying. When they call him for the rent he says he will send it and never does and I'm afraid they will end up in the streets. They have two cars that are due to be taken away because he never paid the payments. He took out one of the cars under a friend's credit and now they don't get along. He stole money from our uncle so now we have a family conflict. He tells my parents and sister to leave them alone that they don't need them. When we call, my sister can't talk for more than 3 minutes before she has an excuse to hang up. She recently told my parents and sister not to call because she doesn't want him to say bad things on the phone again. I'm filled with hurt and anger and do not know what to do. She has always been strong and now I see her as a child. She is my oldest sister who always done good things while I was the black sheep of the family and now I'm on better terms. Sorry for this being so long but I'm asking what can I do to help her before things get out of hand and she or the kids get hurt. There is just no stability for them.
Answer: From everything you have told me here, I would agree that your sister is in an abusive relationship. Many abusive relationships are more than just physical violence. It sounds like your sister's husband is abusive in many ways, especially financially.
Many abusers use the financial abuse to keep their victim trapped in the relationship. Often times, victims of financial abuse have little or no access to the family's finances. Many victims are given an "allowance" to pay for gas or groceries or have no access to a checkbook or credit cards. Many victims feel finances are their greatest barrier to leaving their abusive relationship. Many times, a victim has horrible credit because her partner has not paid rent or bills. They have no reference for landlords, so she can not secure housing. Many victims are not allowed to work and when faced with leaving have no way to support their family. Often times she is saddled with his poor credit and has little or no job experience. Often times a victim will be employed and her partner will sabotage this effort. He will not allow her to use the car to get to work, will not "watch the kids" so she can go to work or will call and harass her constantly and she ends up being fired. Abusers often will not allow her to have a job because then she could support herself and might leave. Or abusers are very jealous and worried that she will meet someone at work or tell others about what is going on at home. Lack of finances is a huge barrier for domestic violence victims.
It sounds like your brother-in-law is abusive in numerous ways. His controlling behavior results in isolation for your sister. She is afraid he will continue to damage her relationship with your family. He may have convinced her that you think she is crazy or stupid. She may have found it easier to just isolate herself from you so that he doesn't say terrible things. It may be tempting for you to turn your back on your sister. Please remember that, if you do this, you are doing exactly what the batterer wants. He wants her to be isolated. He wants to say to her "see, even your own family doesn't want you." He wants her to have nowhere to turn.
As hard as it is to see your sister go through this, it is even harder to be her. Please keep in mind that she is still your "strong" sister. She has not changed. It takes incredible strength to endure life with a violent partner. She is doing the best she can with the resources available to her. She is not weak for staying in the relationship; she stays for many reasons. Please refer to question #1 on this page for additional information on what keeps victims in abusive relationships.
Continue to be there for her, continue to support her. If you are able to, offer to help financially. Go with her to your local domestic violence program (1800-799-SAFE will connect you with your closest program). Continue to remind her that what is happening is NOT her fault. Tell her you love her. Tell her you are afraid for her safety and the safety of her children. Please do not issue ultimatums. Do not make her choose between her family and her husband. She may not be able to choose her family and she needs your continued love and support.
Questions:
- Sister is married to abusive man. What can we do?
- Husband threatening to declare wife insane and get custody of children if wife leaves him
- If my husband rapes me and promises to not do it again, will he?
- Husband wants me to drop charges. Should I?
- My wife filed for divorce. Are there any success stories about an abuser changing?
- Husband with anger and control issues
- Pressured to drop charges and now Crime Victims want their compensation back.
- My daughter needs help but won't accept any or leave her boyfriend. What can I do?
- Sister has financially abusive husband
- Child has aggressive behavior
- My husband raped me 4 months ago. Is it too late to say something?
- Better for the children to stay or leave?
