Domestic Violence Discussion
with Jennifer Landhuis
8. Question: I have a 20 year old daughter who came home Sunday morning with two black eyes and a broken nose. This is the worse it has been and I just don't know what to do anymore. She said she got into a fight with a girl, that it was not her boyfriend. But she has always said it was something else and it always came back to him in the end. He is hurting my baby girl every day if not by hitting her with his words. She is a good and kind and sweet child and she can't give him up. She does not want anything to do with me right not because I can't take this anymore. I can't just watch her like this and just let it go. She will not go to the police and she will not let me do anything. I feel like I have lost her and that any day I will be finding her dead. Please can anyone help us?
Answer: It is so hard when someone you love is in an abusive relationship. Please remember, though, it's even harder to be her. As hard as it is, you need to continue to be there for your daughter. It does not mean you have to condone her relationship with her boyfriend. It may be very tempting right now to turn your back on her. Please remember that, if you do this, you are doing exactly what the boyfriend wants. He wants her to be isolated. He wants to say to her "see, even your own family doesn't want you." He wants her to have nowhere to turn for help.
Battered women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. She may be scared of what he will do to her if she leaves. The harsh reality is, she can never be truly safe. When battered women end their relationships, they are in nine times more danger than when they stay. When she ends the relationship, he loses all of his power and control and that is when abusers tend to be the most violent. She may also fear that she has no support system and that she can not "make it" on her own. For many women, the fear of the unknown is worse than the fear of being with him. She may believe all the promises he makes to her. Abusers are not horrible people all of the time. She didn't fall in love with the jerk; she fell in love with the sweet talker, the one who promises that this will never happen again, that he loves her.
When women came into our Crisis Center, my question for them was "what can I do for you RIGHT NOW?" Sometimes they just wanted someone to listen and not judge. Sometimes they wanted to find out what options were available should they decide to leave. Many times they just wanted to be supported and told that they were not "stupid" and that what was happening was not their fault.
For many women, the most helpful thing we did together was form a safety plan. Does she have a spare set of keys to her car, to their place (if they live together)? Does she always have access to a phone? Old cell phones that are not activated can still dial 911. It is wise to have an extra one hidden in case he destroys her cell or land line during an argument. Does she have a place where she can go when they fight? If they are inside a house, avoiding the bathroom and kitchen where there are easily accessible weapons is preferable. Encourage her to pack an extra bag of clothing, important papers etc in case she should have to leave her home unexpectedly. Even if she doesn't live with him, this is still a very good idea as often times an abuser will continue to call or harass her at her residence and it is easier if she has things packed and stored in a safe location (with a friend, in her trunk etc). Your local domestic violence program can walk her step by step through a safety plan. You can reach your program by calling 1-800-799-SAFE.
I understand your frustration. It is hard for you to put together the pieces of her broken heart and her life, only to have her return back to him. Please, continue to be there for her; continue to support her. If needed and you have the ability, offer to help financially. Offer to go with her to your local domestic violence program. Continue to remind her that what is happening is NOT her fault. Tell her you love her. Please do not issue ultimatums. Do not make her choose between you and her boyfriend. She may not be able to choose you.
The reality of the situation is that you can not make her leave her boyfriend. You can only offer love and support (of her - not of what is happening) through this very difficult time in her life. She has to be the one that ends the relationship and she may not be at that place yet, either because of all the obstacles she is facing or because she is not emotionally ready to do so. But, together, you can take steps to make her safer at this moment.
Please contact your local program. They have safety plans, they have support groups for her and maybe for you. They have shelters, a crisis line and most of all support. 1-800-799-SAFE will connect you with your local program.
Questions:
- Sister is married to abusive man. What can we do?
- Husband threatening to declare wife insane and get custody of children if wife leaves him
- If my husband rapes me and promises to not do it again, will he?
- Husband wants me to drop charges. Should I?
- My wife filed for divorce. Are there any success stories about an abuser changing?
- Husband with anger and control issues
- Pressured to drop charges and now Crime Victims want their compensation back.
- My daughter needs help but won't accept any or leave her boyfriend. What can I do?
- Sister has financially abusive husband
- Child has aggressive behavior
- My husband raped me 4 months ago. Is it too late to say something?
- Better for the children to stay or leave?
