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Information regarding state specific domestic violence laws, child custody issues, protection orders and other resources related to domestic violence in a particular state
Domestic Violence Discussion
with Jennifer Landhuis
6. Question:My husband is a deputy with anger and control issues. I have known about the anger issues since we've married (12 years), but I did not realize that I was being verbally abused until very recently. I found some information on the internet and he fit just about every category. I understand that police officers have a requirement to control every situation, but how do I get him to quit doing it at home? He has begun to call me names like stupid, hints that I'm the one that needs counseling, all of this in front of our young children. He makes me feel uncomfortable when we are in social situations by being angry at everything and everyone. There is much more but there isn't enough to space to write it all down. My big question is, how do I get him to see what he is doing? My self-esteem is shot and I'm beginning to feel like maybe he's right; maybe I am stupid!
Answer: I'm so sorry that you are experiencing all of this. No one deserves to be treated this way.
I can tell you without a doubt, that you are NOT stupid. Emotional abuse is often characterized by women who have experienced it, as the most difficult form of abuse to endure. I remember one woman saying during a support group "I would rather he hit me, then I would at least have physical bruises that could heal. The constant battering on me emotionally, the effect on my self-esteem, the damage to my soul; no one can see that." She had a very valid point. Emotional battering in many ways is just as hurtful as physical battering. Survivors often hear things like "I wouldn't do this if you wouldn't make me so angry" or "If you would just shut your mouth" or "I have to do everything because you're so stupid". The emotional battering can have crushing effects on a survivor's self-esteem. In time, her abuser has her believing that she is making everything up, that she is blowing things out of proportion or that she is crazy. She, of course, is doing none of these things. He simply knows that by his constant criticism he will soon have her questioning herself and her sanity.
The Domestic Violence Intervention Project in Minnesota has an excellent tool that describes all forms of violence, including emotional abuse. (Please keep in mind, before clicking on this link that it may leave a "cookie" on your computer that you should delete if you are worried about your husband tracking your internet use). The Power and Control Wheel can be seen here: http://www.duluth-model.org/documents/PhyVio.pdf. You may have already seen this model and are recognizing how many of these behaviors are being exhibited by your husband.
There are many other issues surrounding your husband's career as well. I understand that you feel his career requires him to be in control and in many ways it does. However, his violence has less to do with his job and more to do with his personal use of power and control. According to some studies, the rate of domestic violence among law enforcement officers is higher than among the general population. Here is a link to one such study: http://www.womenandpolicing.org/violenceFS.asp. Domestic violence is always a terrible crime, but victims of a police officers are particularly vulnerable because the officer who is abusing them often knows how to manipulate the system to avoid penalty, carries a weapon, knows the location of the local shelters and has threatened his victim that "his department" will stand behind him should she ask for help. Many victims feel incredibly isolated. However, what he does for a living does not excuse his behavior.
You asked how you can stop your husband from being so controlling at home and get him to recognize his violence. The reality is there is nothing you can do or say to stop his violence. His behavior has nothing to do with you. You are not causing him to be angry. His job doesn't cause his behaviors at home either. He is choosing to use abusive behavior. He is picking and choosing the circumstances and it has nothing to do with you. He may blame you for everything but you are not to blame for his violence. You could be the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, etc. and he would still find an excuse for his behavior. You have pointed out to him that his behavior is hurtful but he refuses to acknowledge that. That fact makes me worry about your safety. Abusers who do not even recognize their behavior have little motivation to change. He believes he is entitled to his actions and behaviors. He thinks you are causing him to be this way. You are not. He is responsible for his own behavior and the fact that he does not even recognize how hurtful he is, makes it almost impossible to change. In his eyes, there is nothing to fix.
I also am concerned that he continues to emotionally abuse you in front of your young children. Violence in the home, whether emotional or physical, can have a huge effect on children and children who witness domestic violence often grow up to repeat the patterns they have witnessed. Both you and your children deserve better than this.
If you haven't already, I would encourage you to contact your local domestic violence program. You may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE and there is someone there 24-hours a day to answer your questions and provide you with resources. I would also encourage you to seek individual counseling. You're husband may have convinced you that counseling "is for crazy people" but everyone deserves a safe person to talk to. It may help you to have someone listen to and validate your feelings.
Good luck to you and your children. Remember, you are NOT causing this to happen.
