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Domestic Violence Discussion
with Jennifer Landhuis
5. Question:My wife filed for divorce. If she did not file for divorce, I can honestly say that I would not have acknowledged the abuse. I want to change for me and our children, but most of all, for me. My father drank, smokes, and abused my mother. He no longer drinks, or abuses my mother (physically). I promised myself that I would never drink, smoke or abuse my wife. I love my wife very much, even after I know we are going through a divorce. I want to change. I do not want to be an abuser. She sees the change and has told me that it is not her fault that I just decided to change. I told her that I was trying to change for her, but I see that I need to change for me, and that I want it to be permanent.
My question: I read about how there is no hope for an abuser, but what if the abuser wants to change, because he really loves his family and realizes what he has done and does not want to happen again for the love of his family or hope for change. Are there any success stories about an abuser changing and being recognized for it. Since I saw this when I was a child, even though I promised I would not do this to my wife, I may have not realized what I was doing until she left and allowed a one year space between the children and her. I see now with a open mind and with eyes wide open about the abuse and continue waking up in the morning telling myself "I am not an abuser and will not abuse anyone". I will also take it a day at a time.
Answer: I'm sure there are "success" stories about abusers but I think that it would be difficult to define success. Is success that an abuser no longer physically abuses his partner? Is it that the abuser doesn't get "caught" abusing? Is it the elimination of all forms of violence? I think for an abuser to truly change, there must be a very significant change in the abuser's thought pattern and personality. Abusers often feel entitled to what they are doing and the patterns of his abuse are engrained in his personality. He feels entitled to his behaviors and uses them to establish power and control over his partner. To stop using violence means to radically change everything about you, how you think, how you act, how you respond to others.
I notice that you mentioned that you did not realize you were abusive until after your partner left you. This tells me that you did not want to change this behavior while you were still together. You knew your behavior was wrong, you may have apologized and begged for forgiveness after certain episodes of violence. Right now, since you are no longer living together, it is easier for you to recognize the problem and want to make changes. You have experienced a very real and hurtful consequence, you are no longer a part of the lives of your ex-wife and children. But since you are not living with them it is easy to "change". If you don't have to live with your victim, you don't have to "practice" your new behavioral changes. It's easy when you are living by yourself with little contact to say "I'm changing". I hope, for your sake as well as your family's, that you are on the road to changing your abusive behavior. It is a long tough road. If you truly want to make changes and say that you are doing them for yourself, then do them without involving her or your children. Time will prove if you have changed. You can make all the promises to yourself and to her and it sounds cliché, but you truly have to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
I strongly recommend that you seek help from a Men's Batterer's Program. This IS NOT an anger control group. It is a long (often six months to one year) program that concentrates on all forms of abusive behavior. It is based on the Power and Control Wheel by the Duluth Intervention Project. Certified Men's Batterer's Groups are our best hope for changing abusive men. This program requires you to be accountable for your behavior, both past and present. It also requires feedback from current and past partners to hold you accountable. If you make it through one of these groups, you are taking the first step in a long road to changing your behavior. I would also encourage you to participate in individual counseling at the same time as a batterer's group.
I would venture to guess that you have used abusive behavior throughout your life. One year or six months in counseling is not going to change a lifetime of behavior. It will be easy to blame other things for your problems: drinking, growing up in an abusive home, your ex-wife. You must accept responsibility as the first step in changing. Change is not going to happen overnight.
I believe that abusers are like alcoholics, they will always be abusers even if they are not using abusive behavior at this particular moment. Abusive behavior is a mindset, one that is difficult to change. But you can take the steps to make this change and I hope that you do. But please keep in mind, that just because you are no longer physically or emotionally abusive, does not mean you are no longer abusive. There are many, many forms of violence. In my experience, I have seen many men go through a batterer's group and proclaim that they are no longer abusive. Perhaps they have stopped being physical but many times they have just changed their behavior to more manipulative less obvious forms of violence. Victims will tell you that these forms of violence are just as hurtful if not more so than physical violence. I note that you made a point of saying your father is not "physically" abusive to your mother anymore but what about in other manners? This statement leads me to believe that you categorize abuse into different levels. All forms of power and control are abuse and no form is worse than another. You also need to recognize that you are using your abusive childhood as an excuse for your behavior. There are many people who grew up in an abusive home who are not abusers. The use of violence by you with your ex-wife was a choice.
You are wise to take this one day at a time. Change will not happen overnight. I hope for your sake that you are changing for you and not for her. You can never undo all the hurt and trauma you have caused for her and your children. You can only go on from here and be the best father/ex-husband you can possibly be. Take the necessary steps to begin changing your behavior, but do not involve your wife or your children in a "I've changed, take me back" game. I wish you the best of luck. If you truly want to change, you can.
