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Information regarding state specific domestic violence laws, child custody issues, protection orders and other resources related to domestic violence in a particular state
Domestic Violence Discussion
with Jennifer Landhuis
4. Question:My husband was arrested for domestic assault and he wants me to drop the charges since he's going to counseling for his drinking and his anger. Can counseling really change an abusive spouse? Should I continue on with the charges? His lawyer has already told him he's more than likely going to jail and I'm 4 months pregnant with his child. I don't want him to miss the holidays and the birth of our child, but can he really be a different person?
Answer: Many states will not drop domestic assault charges at the request of a victim. Many states now realize what tremendous pressure victims are under and choose to do what we call "victimless prosecution". This means the state, not you as the victim, presses charges against the abuser. The courts will use 911 calls, photographs of your injuries or the scene and statements from the officers that responded in their prosecution. I am a strong advocate for victimless prosecution; it takes the burden off of a victim and makes an abuser realize that he has committed a crime. Some states still allow a victim to "drop" charges. Unfortunately, this puts the pressure back on a victim to prosecute her abuser, something she is often unable to do safely or unwilling to do.
I think it is a good thing that your husband has sought help for his drinking and his anger, but my question would be, why not before? It is very easy for an abuser to make all these promises now, to go get counseling, to stop drinking, to go to church. Why did he not do these things before? Is he only doing them now because he has gotten caught and wants to appear to have changed? It's very easy for him to get counseling and stop drinking now because there are severe consequences awaiting him if he does not. Many abusive men have been using their abusive behavior for years with very few consequences. If he has been abusive for awhile (and not just physically but in any manner), are a few counseling sessions or trips to AA really going to change him? Changes are very difficult for anyone to make. He will have to change everything about him; not just his drinking and his anger but the way he thinks, the way he feels and the way he responds to his anger.
Many abusers blame "anger" for their violence. I would be willing to bet that he gets angry at work or an other family members, but does he use violence with them? Probably not, because it's not "acceptable" and he would be punished. Instead, he does this with you, behind closed doors, where there are rarely any consequences. Is it truly an anger problem? He picks and chooses the circumstances under which he uses his violence. He doesn't hit you in the middle of a crowded theatre, but at home where there are no witnesses. This isn't an anger control problem, rather a problem with abusive behavior. He feels entitled to what he is doing. He may not be sorry he did it, just sorry he got caught.
Most reputable domestic violence programs offer groups for men who use abusive behavior. These are not "anger control groups" as his abusive behavior has little to do with anger. Rather they are groups that model respectful behavior towards partners and discuss all forms of violence: isolation, mental, sexual, intimidation, coercion and threats, using the children against you and emotional abuse. He may be court ordered to one of these programs if he is put on probation. I prefer these programs rather than individual counseling for perpetrators. Often times, perpetrators are very skilled manipulators and they can easily manipulate a counselor who is not trained specifically on domestic violence. A group setting that addresses his abusive behavior will be far more effective than individual counseling. Marital counseling is something I never recommend. It is not a problem with your marriage, rather a problem with his abusive behavior. Marital counseling is based on two people having equal power in the marriage; equality does not exist in a domestic violence relationship. Victims can not openly participate in marriage counseling for fear of retribution from their perpetrator.
I understand you wanting him to be there for the holidays and for the birth of your child. That is completely understandable. I would fear for your safety as well as the safety of your child. For many victims of domestic violence, pregnancy can be a very dangerous time. The violence often escalates during pregnancy. In fact, domestic violence is the number one cause of injury to pregnant women.
I wish he wouldn't put you in such a difficult position. I think he should accept the consequence of his behavior and not have you try to bail him out of this situation. If he truly wants to make changes, he can make those changes. You can see if these are truly changes he wants to make or something he is just using to try to look good for the courts and for you.
You have to make the decision you feel is best for you and your unborn child. I can only say that rarely have I seen an abuser change his behavior. He usually changes it long enough to get his partner to move back in, to drop charges, to forgive him. Then he is right back to his old behavior.
Please, think about contacting a support group in your area. Many domestic violence programs have groups for women. You are not pressured to leave your partner, rather they offer support and options for you.
Also, please be careful in your contacts with his attorney. His attorney should not be speaking with you at all. Remember, your husband is paying his attorney to minimize the consequences. The prosecuting attorney should be working on your behalf and should be contacting you regarding your husband's court appearances. Your local domestic violence program may have a court advocate who can inform you of his court proceedings or even accompany you to court or to the prosecutor's office. 1-800-799-SAFE will connect you with your local program.
