• WomensLaw.Org -
Information regarding state specific domestic violence laws, child custody issues, protection orders and other resources related to domestic violence in a particular state
Domestic Violence Discussion
with Jennifer Landhuis
3. Question:If my husband rapes me and promises to not do it again, will he?
Answer: First of all, let me say that I am sorry you had to experience this. Rape and all forms of sexual abuse can be especially devastating because it is such a personal violation.
Sexual violence for many abusers is the ultimate form of power and control. Many women are ashamed to talk about this form of violence or don't classify it as rape since they are married or in a relationship with their abuser. Any time a woman does not freely consent to any type of sexual activity, if she feels coerced, threatened or intimidated, it is a form of sexual violence.
While I cannot predict the future for your particular situation, I would be inclined to believe, based on my experiences with battered women, that your husband is likely to repeat this behavior or another form of sexual violence. Abusers often see nothing wrong with their behavior, even feeling entitled because of something often referred to as male privilege. They often believe they are the "king of the castle" and as the man in the relationship that they get to make all the decisions.
Sometimes after an incident, batterers will apologize and promise that it will never happen again. Some experts refer to this as the "honeymoon" period. He will make promises to stop drinking, go to counseling, to never hurt the victim again. For some victims, there are no apologies, only a short break in the violence. And then as tension rises again, those promises are quickly forgotten. Abusers are master manipulators, they want you to believe in those promises, to forgive him and to move on. An abuser's behavior is very hard to change. For many abusers they don't stop being abusive; they may change a particular behavior but they don't stop completely. Often times they will switch from physical violence to emotional or verbal violence. All abusive behavior is hurtful to a victim.
If you want to speak with an advocate in person, please call the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE or your domestic violence program at 1-800-799-SAFE. You can be connected to the domestic violence and sexual assault program nearest you.
