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Information regarding state specific domestic violence laws, child custody issues, protection orders and other resources related to domestic violence in a particular state
Domestic Violence Discussion
with Jennifer Landhuis
13. Question: - My husband and I are separated. He began drinking after 20 years of sobriety and very quickly became an excessive and abusive alcoholic. He was at times verbally abusive throughout our 14 year marriage and that was amplified with his drinking. My sons are now 14 and 12 and have witnessed their father being verbally abusive and disrespectful to me. I feel that this was durning very formative years that they saw this and now I am dealing with my sons being at times verbally abusive and very disrespectful towards me. How do I break this cycle?
Answer: You mentioned that you are separated, so you have already taken a very courageous step. I'm sure it was a very difficult decision to make.
Children who witness domestic violence are at a much greater risk of repeating the behaviors they have seen. Young boys, especially, often learn to treat women disrespectfully when this is what they are constantly subjected to. I certainly do not believe that every child that grows up in an abusive home will be a perpetrator or victim but I do believe that often the cycle continues because children are not taught that this behavior is unacceptable.
Do your sons know why you and your husband are separated? Explaining to them that your husband's behavior was unacceptable is a good first step. Your sons are at the age where they are forming their own relationships with young women. I think it is very important to communicate to them what violence is, that it is more than just physical acts. This site: www.knowanddowhatsright.com has excellent teen dating advice. It talks about the warning signs and explains what dating violence is. Because the dynamics of teen relationships are different that those of adult relationships, there is a specific Power and Control Wheel that defines dating violence and also an Equality Wheel which gives examples of what a healthy relationship is. Here is a link to the Power and Control Wheel, and here is a link to the Equality Wheel.
I would highly suggest that you contact a local domestic violence agency to see if they offer classes for children who have witnessed domestic violence. These classes would be highly beneficial to you and your sons. Your local program can be reached by calling 1-800-799-SAFE.
You have already taken the first and most important step in ending the cycle by leaving your husband. Children repeat the behaviors they see. You have shown them that the violence is not acceptable and that all of you deserve a home safe and free from this violence. You have also mentioned that alcohol contributes to your husband's violence. Obviously, the alcohol doesn't cause him to be violent but it does contribute to his abusive behavior. Not all alcoholics are violent and not all batterers are alcoholics but when there is a correlation, both behaviors need to be addressed. If he were to stop drinking he would still use abusive behaviors just in other ways. It's easy to fall into the "if he will just stop drinking then things will be okay" mindset. I have seen many alcoholic perpetrators stop drinking and still continue to use violence.
Congratulations on taking such a brave step for you and your sons. You all deserve this freedom.
